On the Brink of Sanity
by Elanath Certhas
Summary: They say good things happen to those who wait. Well, I’ve been waiting my entire life and I haven’t received anything besides parking tickets, cheap wine, and a hatred for men of every assortment. [original]
1. Chapter 1

_Warning_: This is an **Original** story

* * *

_On the Brink of Sanity_

**Chapter One**

_ They say good things happen to those who wait. Well, I've been waiting my entire life and I haven't received anything besides parking tickets, cheap wine, and a hatred for men of every assortment. I thought I had found something at one point and time but it didn't work out. I guess you could say we were two extremists on the opposite side of the tracks. I did however learn the true art of patience from my little experience. So I guess I'm just going to sit here some more, and wait… because after all, good things happen to those who wait. Right?_

_----------_

My name shall remain Anonymous, and you must forgive me for this, I'm not quite used to pouring my heart out in the form of literature. As a matter of fact, come to think of it, I was never quite good at expressing inner emotion in any manner at all. That's not to say, of course, that I am emotionless, far from it. My friends, in fact, would classify me on the borderline of hysterical. The problem is, I never know what I'm hysterical about. My life was never to be called perfect, there were always those bad days, and yet, it would seem my good days outnumbered them. Or perhaps I'm just thinking things again. I tend to do that sometimes, think. Thinking is a dangerous thing, especially when you don't know what to think about.

My mind has been sharpened, and forged into a weapon. I think it's a spoon though, because I tend to misplace my backbone at conflicts. Thinking about it now, I guess that's how things really began…

_----------_

The autumn chill was felt for the first time, and it was treated like a welcomed guest. The girl smiled as she decked on her scarf and walked out the door of her apartment. It was days like these that were to be cherished, and she was going to make the most out of it. She rubbed her hands together as she walked down the crowded city streets, enjoying the sights and sounds of a place so foreign to her. It always amazed her how little she had seen.

She was a simple girl from the country, and had led a sheltered life; therefore, she still believed that there was good in every person. God how naïve she was!

A strong northern wind blew past and she found herself tightening her coat as her feet led her in the direction of a nearby café around the corner. Maybe today wasn't as perfect as it had first appeared. Smiling at an elderly man playing the saxophone she dropped a few dollars in his case and nodded her head to him as she entered the door, where a burst of warm air enveloped her in a comforting embrace. She unwound her scarf and ran a hand through her unruly red mess of hair as it tumbled past her shoulders to the small of her back, searching for anybody she knew. She waved at a few regulars like herself and made her way towards her usual booth. Only today, it was occupied.

'Great…' she grumbled as the thought played over and over in her head. Somehow, the thought kept getting more contented and happier every time it popped up. 'This,' she decided, 'will have to be dealt with carefully.'

Silently treading over towards her booth she glanced at the man reading a book, of what style she had no clue. Standing in front of her booth she gazed intently at the guy with a smile lighting her face. After a few moments her smile faded away into a scowl. Perhaps, he didn't know she was there? Books can be quite enthralling, after all.

"Uh-Hmm…" She coughed, waiting for him to glance up. To her impatience, he did not. The girl sighed and narrowed her sapphire eyes at the stranger that was currently resting comfortably in her booth.

"Sir…" She bit out, perhaps a bit too callously. She winced at the tone of her own voice, and then smiled sheepishly when he gave her a perturbed look. She quickly turned away and quickly said, "S-sorry about that, it's just that, well… that's my booth…"

"Oh, don't worry… I don't mind sharing…"

She bit her tongue and narrowed her eyes. This man was cocky, yet she couldn't help but smile as she noticed the small sparkle of humor in his eyes. Giving a silent mutter of thanks she glanced back up at him.

She had to admit, the man looked good. He had brown, hazelnut hair, almost honey in some places, but she was glad he didn't have blond… because she didn't like blond haired boys. She liked to be the light-headed person in conversation, or in the relationship, only it never really got past 'hello' most times.

His hair was like how all the other boys were wearing their hair nowadays, shaggy, yet it looked good with him. He had that kind of head that it didn't matter his hair, it would look superior on him. It curled slightly at the ends from under his gray beanie. She felt the flame rise up in her cheeks; this man really did look a bit too good for her sanity. She watched as he pulled the beanie off his head and smoothed down his hair. He gave her a slight smirk and said, "Cat got your tongue?"

She bit the inside of her cheek and tapered her eyes until they were near slits. She contemplated leaving but she was really hungry, and this was her booth after all!

"No," She bit out, borderline harsh; "I merely have things on my mind."

"Ah," he said, "Dangerous things…"

She furrowed her brow and gave him a quizzical glance. "Excuse me?"

She watched as his entirely too breath-taking olive eyes locked on to her own cerulean orbs, rendering her breathless for a moment.

"Thinking," he said leisurely, almost deliberately, "is a dangerous thing…"

Torpidly she nodded her head, and looked about, as if this was her first time being here.

"Nervous?" The man asked, that humor from before apparent in his voice. She rumbled obscenities in her mind and turned to him and said, "No, just a bit uncomfortable. I'm not really a people person."

She heard a small chuckle and glared at him under her long, curled eyelashes. It was times like these she thanked God for mascara, without it you'd never see her thick lashes, or notice how incredibly blue her eyes were.

"I feel somehow," he began with a smile, aimed at her scowl, "I can tell."

She raised one long sculpted eyebrow and gave him a gibed glance, smiling when he laid his head against his palm and stared at her. They sat there for a few moments before she felt the aggravation claw at her throat again.

"See anything you like?" She asked in a mocking half-serious, half joking manner. Apparently he thought so too because he frowned at her and said dully, "No, not really…"

She grimaced, inside of course, and turned her head away. She berated herself for opening her big mouth as she felt the tension, and awkwardness settled over them like a fine mist, that rapidly began turning into a thick fog. She swore she could cut the air at that moment. But she threw on one of her 100-watt, fake smiles and tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear as her hoops shimmered lightly in the slightly dimmer lighting of the old fashioned café. She fingered the silver chain around her neck, a trait she found she often did when nervous. The chain, in her opinion, was striking. It glowed brightly against the streaming rays of the sun, and seemed to flow, almost like water about her neck. It was just a pure, simple, silver chain but she was waiting to put something on it. She just hadn't found the right thing to put on, or the right someone to bestow. Either way, she liked her chain just the way it was.

Maybe she was just thinking too long, or maybe he grew tired of staring at silence, because the next thing she knew, he was headed out the door. Not even sparing a glimpse at her once more behind his shoulder.

For some reason she felt something cold settle in her stomach. She should have been ecstatic, but for some reason, for some undeniable reason, she wasn't. In fact, one could actually say she was… disappointed? The booth wasn't just hers anymore, it was now shared with a man whom she would probably never see again in her life, nor would she probably recognize him in a few weeks if she ever did. She never even got his name…

'Well… now what?'

Yes, now what? She wasn't all that famished anymore, and that unease began growing, transforming to slight agitation, and then escalating into resentment.

"Perplexing… AND rude… he didn't even offer his name…" she muttered, trying to persuade herself it wasn't any problem of hers. Although, something kept itching the back of her mind, and she found it to be quite exasperating.

'Great! Just great! Now I'll never be able to sit in this booth again! It's just not right when everybody isn't here.'

Of course she realized she sounded preposterous, but she wasn't know for being rational. It's… it's just not who she was.

So, here she was, staring blankly at an empty seat that didn't even have an indention in the red plastic covering to indicate that somebody had ever even been sitting across from her. She must have looked ridiculous, because, she noticed, she got more than a few peculiar gazes from other remaining people of the restaurant.

'Well…' she decided silently, 'I might want to move along before the last shred of my sanity up and leaves me.'

She smiled at a few people sitting close to her and wrapped her scarf back around her neck, relishing the soft feeling as it cradled her long neck. She slipped her coat back on and stood up, watching as her indention began to correct itself, and she watched in a melancholic fascination as it appeared as though it had been untouched. Running a hand through her red mass of hair once more she opened the door and immediately mixed in with the rest of the hectic crowds, seemingly lost amongst people.

Yes… today wasn't nearly as perfect as it had first seemed…


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Things can't always be perfect… nor can they usually be semi-pleasant. Life had a funny way of doing things like that. Or at least to her they did… For some ridiculous reason, she didn't mind it as much as she should have…

----------

The girl shivered as the brisk wind carried what seemed to be the last of her warmth with it, as it tumbled and caressed her cheeks in a lover's fashion, almost apologetically… She turned her head and felt her teeth chatter ever so slightly… The red wisps of her hair slapping her face angrily as her stormy blue eyes closed themselves on reflex, a few cold related tears slipping through the corners of her eyes, sliding down her cheeks.

Ever since the 'café incident', as she referred to it, a couple of weeks ago, she made sure she steered clear of the café, but more in particular, she stayed far from those memories… they led into dangerous territory…

The territory of regret…

Regret was an animal, an absolute animal causing anarchy and destruction for those of later to clean up ruefully with a look of determination set clear on their faces. She, as pathetic as it sounds, often found herself with one foot in recklessness, and one foot teetering on the boundary of regret. Never was she set clear in which direction though, it seems, her path wasn't meant to be cut clean. Her path was like that of an unpolished diamond, it had as much potential as the next, but wasn't viewed as precious…

Shaking clear the thoughts of regret, and remorse from an incident that had taken place naught but two weeks previous, for perhaps ten to twenty minutes, and instead set her intentions on the present.

Perhaps though, she might want to get out and go somewhere. Sitting on the roof wasn't exactly doing her any good… and it's not like she was going to run into that guy again, I mean come on! What were the chances of that happening?

Standing up, she brushed off her backside from any stray piece of gravel that might have clung to her pants from her hour of 'meditation' as she liked to refer to it, and walked down the flight of stairs to her apartment and grabbed her coat. She also grabbed her multi-colored scarf and held it in her hands for a long moment, glaring at it as the memories flooded her minds eye, taunting her. Frowning slightly she grabbed another, less colorful scarf and hung the original scarf back up and turned the lights off, locking her door silently behind her. That scarf was too… familiar; brought back too many memories of things she needn't be thinking about.

_----------_

Throwing on her coat she ran out the door and breathed in deeply, coughing slightly as the fumes of cars and buses filled her nostrils and seemed to hang in her lungs. Ok, so the air wasn't exactly the cleanest, nor was it as fresh as she remembered the country's being, but hey! She could deal…

Pulling her hair into a quick high-ponytail she began walking down the street, the dark blue scarf waving behind her. Hey earrings were as usual, funky, and quite often drew attention to her, rather it was wanted or unwanted, it was usually there. They were beautiful today, they were dark, like a rusted copper, and hung gently from her lobes where they sparkled in that dull way that made you want to reach out and feel them. One was a moon, a falcate moon, the points being sharp, deadly… yet it was so beautiful the way it hung there so innocently. The other a star, looking sharp and deadly with it's pointed edges when in fact it was the less dangerous of the two. It hung there in a sinister way, grinning like a Cheshire cat at the passerby's, who always gave her a strange, almost wary look as they tried to scurry past her in apprehension, as though she were to strike out, their heads kept down.

She couldn't understand those people, why would they want to look down at the unchanging gray sidewalk when the world was so full of color? The sidewalk was gray, dull and lifeless with an occasional splotch of color where somebody was unfortunate enough to have dropped their gum. But even still, the single stain of pink wasn't enough to give something life, the majority was still an overpowering gray. The thought brought her down and caused her shoulders to slump slightly.

Sighing slightly she looked up and forgot her depression at the blinking lights and colors as they whizzed past her, filling her at once with an indescribable, most likely childish joy. Perhaps this was why she enjoyed the city so much, it reminded her of the fair's at home. The smells, the people, the sights… and she had always loved the fair. She knew of course, that she couldn't stay here forever, in the city. She just wasn't made for it, not all the time at least. The fair was great and all, but she knew she got tired of it after a while.

She was made for the country, with its seemingly endless supply of woods and fresh air that filled you and caused your face to split into a grin so wide it made the Grand Canyon seem invisible. It was all about the crack of dawn with your fishing pole in one hand and a handful of worms you just dug up. It was about dirty fingernails as you helped your mama in her flower garden, laughing as she struggled with pesky weeds. It was about that Southern food, the best food, the fried pork chops and collards cooked in fatback, and black-eyed peas and mashed potatoes, and an abundance of foods the city just couldn't touch. It was about you and your dogs, facing the wilderness together, racing home just before dinner to watch the sun sink below the horizon. It was about those lazy summer nights when the Whippoorwills sang that slow sweet song, a honeysuckle in one hand and the other petting your faithful old dog that stood by your side through everything, your best friend. It was about the respect you held for everybody, the 'yes ma'am' and 'no sir', and the love of family. The country was like a seductive dance; it drew her in and mingled with her soul. No matter if she wanted to or not, it'd always be in the back of her mind, calling out to her to come back. And she knew, she knew… she'd always listen.

The city was all about keeping your own and nobody else's, where everybody lends a stealing hand. Well, she was being a little zealous there, not _everybody_ stole, some people stole, or a large majority stole. The city was about rude honks of cars that filled the air with a smoke so black it choked all of your other senses. It filled you with apprehension as you passed by a dark alleyway, unknowing if it held rapists or murderers. You never went out at night, unless you had protection and a big group of friends, and even then… only if you stayed in the light. That being said, she never went out at night. She didn't exactly have friends per say, more like people she saw a lot and occasionally waved to, but never spoke to. It's not that she couldn't make friends, because she was very good at doing so, it's just that well… she didn't want to get too attached to this god forsaken place…

A particularly strong wind blew up against her, causing her teeth to chatter mechanically, and her hands to rub themselves together, in an act of warmth. She stared at the somehow entirely too familiar sights around her and frowned, it would seem the cold had dulled her senses because she wasn't sure where she was, but she knew the place. The sound of the saxophone slammed her into reality, checking her watch she looked about almost frantically. She was near the café, near her old booth that she used to spend hours at reading or writing or doing any other assortment of things. But, then… he had showed up, and he ruined everything. She had been fine in the routine that had become her life, fine to have never had to actually talk to people in this 'city'; she had become accustomed to being by herself. Then he had showed up and talked to her, mocked or was more like it, and she somehow found herself enjoying his presence, and then he just left, leaving her feeling strangely empty, unsatisfied with what had become her life. He had made her thirst for more than what she had, and she hated him for that. She hated him for inspiring her to do more when she'd never see him again.

Stopping at the café's window she looked inside and found the place to be nearly empty. Sighing in relief she tossed a few dollars in the old man's case she opened the door when a deep baritone voice stopped her.

"I was wondering where you had been these past two weeks…"

She turned around; it was the old man with the saxophone. She stared at him blankly; he had never actually spoken to her before, and here he was, his old wrinkled face like years of erosion on the fields cracked into a warm grandfatherly smile, leaning against the building his eyes twinkling in mirth. She felt her face melt into a small smile and gave him a small nod before he said, "Good to see you again…" and continued to play his saxophone.

Feeling somehow more relieved she entered the door where the familiar warmth spread around her, and she felt her small smile explode into a full-blown grin. Perhaps things were getting better, and her routine was finally settling her back down again. Nodding to the waitresses who smiled at her, she made her way to her usual booth, a sense of foreboding filling her. She brushed it away, finding it to be nonsense, and smiled upon standing next to it. However, as her eyes were scanning the table they zeroed in on something. Something that was definitely not supposed to be there, a gray beanie…

'Not just a gray beanie, _the_ gray beanie' she thought frantically.

Suddenly she felt a presence behind her and feared the worst, and as she turned around her worst fears were confirmed. There he stood, that same cocky smile resting on his face, his arms folded across his chest as he stood there staring at her. She felt her routine begin to crumble in around her again, and her throat suddenly go dry. The only part of her that seemed to be working were her eyes that narrowed on instinct upon seeing him.

"Good afternoon…" he said casually, as if he didn't remember her. Her eyes widened at that moment, oh dear God what if he didn't remember her? How could she be so affected by a man that didn't even remember her! He destroyed her carefully laid out life and he didn't even remember her? Ok, so she was being irrational again, but once again, she wasn't known for being rational. Still she found her lips parting in a polite, "Good afternoon…"

He looked up from his cup and smiled as he gestured for her to sit down. Licking her lips she looked around noticing a waitress making her way over. It was now time, time for her to make her choice… Was she going to sit down with him as offered or was she going to leave? She glanced down to his smiling face and felt warmth erupt through her, and a sense of newness and of comfort. She didn't like it. Making up her mind as the waitress showed up she said, "Can I have a coffee to _go_ please?"

Grabbing the coffee at the counter and quickly laying down the four dollars and fifty cents she owed she looked back into his confused face and smiled…

Maybe now he'd have something to think about…


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

'Never malicious intentions 

_Nor greed of man,_

_Could compare truly_

_To the time.'_

_It would seem that, that was right. Time had an uncanny way of turning things upside down… It was without purpose, except for inevitability of death. Never had she any reason to doubt those truths…_

_----------_

Luck was not something she believed in, nor was it something she encouraged others to put their faith it. Luck was just a nice way of saying a hell's shot in the dark. Luck was not what she figured would start a conversation with the one man in which it mattered most…

_----------_

She couldn't help the melodic laughter that seemed to bubble up through her chest and spill out from her slightly parted lips. The stunned looked in his cocky eyes had put her on a high and she was hoping she never came down.

Lightly sipping her fresh coffee she looked around her in a new sort of appreciation, now not noticing how dull the sidewalk was. The lights of the city in that moment never appealed to her more than in that moment and she took a deep breath of that city air and sighed. Just like the fair…

Feeling this sudden boost of confidence she walked with purpose in the same general direction as a crowd of people ahead of her and smiled at a couple walking by. The sudden stab of longing that jabbed at her heart was unexpected and she shrugged it off for the remembrance that boys were stupid.

To be honest she didn't have good luck with boys. She had only had a handful of boyfriends in her life and they all ended up being duds. There was this one but… Let's just say boys are deceitful, so she swore them off for good. But that was ages ago!

She was young, single, twenty years old and living in the city! Where was all the excitement she saw on TV? Where were the hot guys that supposedly crawled around here? Sighing, she ran a hand through her red mass of unruly hair and smiled at a cute boy as he walked by. City boys were nice, but nothing compared to the boys back home.

Homesickness grabbed at her stomach and pulled, making her suddenly dizzy with the force of it. Frowning she stopped in her tracks and looked around her. She had no idea where she was right now and decided to turn around and walk back to her apartment, her high now gone.

However, fate as it would seem, had another plan for her. She wasn't a big fan of this fate either, but it would seem she only had luck with stuff she didn't like. She just happened to smack right into something hard, and stumbled backwards a few steps, that 'caught-like-a-deer' gaze the epitome in her eyes in that moment. Scowling lightly she rubbed her nose and looked up, right into a pair of apologetic brown eyes. She felt her heart begin to speed up ever so slightly and felt the warmth erupt through her cheeks like a wildfire. For some reason, fate decided to throw two very cute boys in her path, not that she was complaining, and from the rueful smile he gave her, this one apparently wasn't 'oh so' cocky. She gave him a gentle smile in return, and forgot about the slight throbbing of her nose.

"Sorry about that…" He said, blushing as he scratched his head (clearly he is uncomfortable), "I need to watch where I'm going sometimes…"

Blushing again she shook her head quickly and said, "Oh no! It was my own fault, I wasn't thinking straight! But thank-you anyways…?"

She frowned and gave him a quizzical glance, tilting her head slightly to the side. What was his name? Surely a man so handsome would have one equally as so.

He laughed lightly and said, "My name is Cody, sorry again. I apologize though, I really must be going. Perhaps we will meet again?"

She smiled lightly, then nodded her head. Sighing she walked along the sidewalk once more. That was the last she'd see of that guy, that's for sure.

'He was nearly about to explode to get away from me!'

Yes, that 'having something to do' excuse was pretty lame, even she could see through it. Shrugging her shoulders she rubbed her nose again, now in annoyance.

'I find the one nice guy in New York and he's fighting to get away from me!' She complained in her head. 'Isn't that just like my luck?'

Tucking her hands into her pockets she glared at the sidewalk and ignored the shoulder bumps and rude 'out-of-my-way's' that usually bothered her so much and followed her feet towards some unknown destination, and she frowned as she realized how often now they seemed to be doing that.

"So who was that…?" Came a smooth voice beside her.

Turning quickly she narrowly missed smacking into another chest as she grabbed her own in alarm, not in that sissy way either, in that heart attack kind of way. If she hadn't have been so scared, she probably would have been mortified at the funny picture she made. Standing a few inches away was the one person she last needed to see. He tilted his head at her and gave her a small smirk that she couldn't help but blush at, and then scowl at in exasperation. Turning on her heel she began to walk away, silently wondering if he would follow, when he did she wracked her brain as to why he would be there. She turned and gave him a look that clearly said, "Go away", but he apparently wasn't very good at reading faces because he just smiled at her and continued walking next to her.

She tried her best to ignore him, but became very conscious of how handsome he was, and how tall. A little less than a foot, but that was a lot compared to her small 5"4 frame. Glaring at him she finally asked, "What do you want?"

The cocky look in his eyes made her want to slap him as he said, "To know who that guy was…"

She raised an eyebrow at him and shook her head incredulously, why did he care?

"I don't… I don't know." Frowning she continued to walk, expecting the conversation to be over now that he had his information, but it would seem he had other plans.

"So why did you talk to him?" he asked, nonchalantly. How typical.

Sighing in aggravation she turned to him and said, "Because I ran into him and he apologized! You know, like normal people do?"

Now set on ignoring him she couldn't help but feel happy that he was paying attention to her. That was completely out of the blue.

"Oh…" That was it? That was all Mr. Cocky had to say was some so intelligent as 'Oh'? She smiled inside at this.

"Try not to sound too clever, I might get lost…" Ok, that was kind of rude, but she couldn't help it! She was just naturally feisty! Apparently he didn't mind because he just smiled a little and kept walking next to her.

Glancing out of the corner of her eye she noticed him staring at her and bit her lip self-consciously. What? Was something wrong with her, did she have something on her face? Suddenly she growled in frustration and decided she didn't care.

"Are you always _this_ charming, or am I just lucky?" He said, his eyebrow rose questioningly. She couldn't help but smile at that.

"That was so lame you know that right?" She said laughing as he smiled, for the first time, not so pompously.

"Ah, so you would think, but it really isn't…" He said, his voice radiating self-confidence.

"Oh, is that so?" She asked, now thoroughly amused.

"It is so," he said, sighing in mock seriousness, "It would seem though, only a handful of people can appreciate its true brilliance."

"So it is brilliant now?" She asked in mock indignation, "Well forgive me then!"

She heard a soft chuckle at her side and glanced up at his face, he was too good looking. His green eyes swimming with mirth as he glanced at her, winking for good measure. Blushing she scowled up at him as he laughed, probably at her.

"Of course it is brilliant! Who else could have come up so brilliantly with that?"

Biting her lip she tried her best to ignore him and just hopefully he would go away. She didn't need to get used to him. He was just like every other guy she had ever met, cocky, rude, and most of all, just as soon as she would get comfortable around him, he would leave.

"Ouch…" He said, tucking his hands into his pockets, walking now, silently, beside her. The sounds of their footsteps seemed to be overwhelming and she couldn't help after a while but to turn around so quickly and ask, "Is there anything else you would like? I'm not just some freak you can stare at, and I don't like boys like you!"

At the look on his face, she almost regretted saying that… almost. But not quite, she knew the routine. She knew his type, she knew him.

"Boys like me?" He asked, in a state of what could be considered shock.

Wrinkling up her nose in distaste she said, "Yes, boys like you… conceited, proud, and basic! Boys like you!"

Frowning he looked away and said, "So… boys like me…" He wasn't talking to her, to himself he was, but not to her. A quick look of some indescribable emotion flashed through his eyes and she found herself almost regretful again. Almost…

Turning around she began walking in the same direction she had been heading before he showed up. She didn't expect him to keep following her, and when he didn't she nodded her head. Good… that was- that was how she wanted it. The quick sound of footsteps by her side made her blink in surprise. Even after all that, he was still going to follow her?

"Add stubborn to that list…" She said chillingly. He flinched but smiled.

"Yes, now I am convinced…"

_----------_

Being of curious nature, this last part was no fault of my own…

_----------_

"Convinced?" I asked after a moment or two of his silence. The triumphant grin that split his face only made me want to kick myself harder.

"Oh yes," he said, "You _are_ only this charming with me…"

She tried… she tried so hard, but she couldn't help it. A small smile broke out on her face, and she found him not to be _too_ unbearable. Oh, he was still annoying! Don't get that wrong, just not in an annoying sort of way anymore. Wait… that made no sense!

She quickly hid her smile behind her hair and said, "Perhaps…"

"Was that a smile I caught?" She heard him ask almost teasingly.

Turning around she glared at him and coldly said, "Not for you… no."

Sighing he tucked his hands into his pockets and stared up at the sky as he walked next to her, keeping his mouth shut for more than a moment or two, 'surprisingly,' she thought to herself.

She found him to be more pleasant when he wasn't talking, and his handsome features were so much more attractive when he was silent. She blushed as she stared at him from the corner of her eye.

"Will you make up your mind?" He asked suddenly, startling her out of her thoughts.

"What?" She asked, surprised at how… mature he sounded.

He sighed and gave her an exasperated look. "Look, either you like me or you don't… which is it?"

She glared at him and said, "Haven't we been through this? I don't like boys like you. You're nice to look at, but underneath… you're all just… never mind, it doesn't matter."

He looked at her for a long moment and then just looked away.

'What is he? Hurt, humiliated, disappointed, maybe angry? Why do I care?' she asked herself, frowning as she realized she wanted to know what he thought about her harsh words.

"Kindness is in our power. Even when fondness is not." He said, sighing a little as he finished what he had to say.

She stared at him a little and tried to ignore his words, but finding herself almost unable to. They pounded themselves into her brain, and made her feel guilty for being so rude. Sighing she turned her head and said, "Look… I'm sorry I'm so rude but… I don't even know your name and you're following me…"

He smiled and said, "Who's to say you're not following me? I don't exactly know you either, and I certainly don't know your name, God forbid it!" He said jokingly, his face splitting when she smiled at him.

She walked a little slower and said, "Kind…"

"What?" He asked, staring at her in a confused, almost boyish way.

Smiling at him she said, "Add kind to that list as well…"

He gave her a small boyish smile and said, "Only if you title it Ryan…"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

_Is it possible to like somebody you've sworn to dislike? Man, if I may use allusion, I feel rather like Elizabeth Bennet right now… _

_We all know how that book ended…_

_----------_

"You know that was also incredibly lame right?" Smirking, she laughed at the feigned pained expression on his face.

"Once again, it would seem you are mistaken…" he took the time to take a big dramatic sigh and cut his eyes at her, "It was perfect… magnificent, brilliant even." He gave a satisfied smile, and a cocky little eyebrow wiggle.

Rolling her eyes she sped up her pace, "I would expect you to say that, and actually it was so cliché."

"What would ever give you that idea?" He said sarcastically, grinning at her annoyed expression.

Frowning she stopped and pointed her finger at him, "Look, whatever-your-name-was, if you're going to be coming with me, please don't try and make this some teenage chic-flick."

Holding up his hands he played the defense and said, "Ok there, tiger, calm down. Just trying to break the ice, that's all."

Smirking she said, "Trust me, it's going to take a whole lot more than _that_."

Grumbling in a low voice he said, "That would be taken as an insult if you weren't so cute."

Punching him in the arm she said, "What'd I tell you about movie lines!"

"Ow, God! You know, most girls like that kind of thing!" He said, feigning injury, frowning as she rolled her eyes.

"One thing to remember, and its really important too, so y_ou _might want to take notes… I'm not like other girls."

Raising his eyebrows he said, almost seriously, "Trust me, I know…"

She couldn't help the blush that threatened to over-run her face. Why did he have to go get all serious all of a sudden? It was those times she felt she was most in danger of him.

"See… I just don't get you. You don't like me when I'm nice and funny. But you like me when I get all serious?"

Scowling she walked faster in front of him and said quickly behind her shoulder, "I don't like you!"

She heard him laugh low in his throat as he said, "Ok… meet me tomorrow?"

Slowing to a stop she felt her shoulders tense. Turning around mechanically, she asked, "Why?" Tilting her head to the side she stared at this infuriating, yet entirely striking man.

Shrugging his shoulders he said, "I don't know…" Scratching his head he said, "Why not?"

'Why not?…' She knew exactly why not… Slowly backing away she said, "I c-can't…"

Taking a few steps towards her he asked almost pleadingly, "Why?"

Shaking her head she said, "You don't have anything to give me, and I most certainly don't have anything to offer you."

Watching his face fall she bit her lip, waiting for a response, time seemingly beginning to slow as the cars and sounds of the city slid out and in translucently. She watched as he slid his hands into his pockets and stared at the ground, his seriousness making her feel uneasy.

"You really don't like me do you?" he asked lightly, his voice carrying softly to her ears, the sound making her stomach clench tightly. "I understand… whatever."

He turned and walked away, the sound of his footsteps echoing against the sidewalk, loud as thunder.

'Or perhaps it is my heart.' She thought, fingering her silver necklace.

"That's not true." she said, once she could no longer see him in the distance. "That's not true at all. I'm terrified, of having a reason to stay here. I don't want you to go away…"

Chuckling in a dejected fashion she said, "I told him not to say something so chic-flick, how ironic."

Breathing in she walked back to her apartment and put away her scarf, took off her shoes, changed, crawled into her bed and rolled into a ball and for some reason, unbeknownst to her, she cried.

Sleep seemed to come natural after that, and inside her head, fantastic dreams of color and wonder filled her mind's eye and swept her into a world reached only through sleep, where everything was wonderful, but nothing made sense. Somehow, the colors spoke and everything was almost like a psychedelic trip the way everything appeared to be in slow motion, everything dissolved into the next. It was like a children's storybook come to life, the pages turning so fast everything blurred. Everything seemed good, and everything was good.

But, then again… it was just a dream.

She awoke to darkness, and the faraway sounds of a siren wailing in the distance. Rubbing her eyes she groggily sat up and scratched her stomach. Turning on the light she winced from the acute brightness that followed her into her pupils.

"Ah! No…" Squinting she cursed silently under her breath and walked into her small living room and looked at the clock. It blinked out 9:45 p.m. in big red-lighted numbers. Sighing she grabbed her jacket, seemingly forgetting she was in her pajamas, and walked out the door.

_----------_

Ok so maybe I do make my life sound a _little_ dramatic…

_----------_

Sitting in the middle of her hallway she pulled her hair up into a ponytail and sighed.

"Damnit all…"

Groaning she covered her face with her hands. She was completely lying to herself earlier. She had never wanted an exciting life like the women led on T.V. filled with hot boys and wicked adventures. She needed to get home, meet some nice boring boy and settle down. Maybe have a kid or two, but not live here… it was too- too loud, too busy, too… not her.

"Stupid nice guys…" Rubbing her forehead she felt her stomach gurgle agitatedly.

'Ok, I guess it's time to feed the monster.' Feeling her knees pop she winced and walked into her kitchen. Opening her refrigerator she found a carton of eggs, a half a gallon of milk, and some molded cheese. The freezer consisted of freezer burned corndogs and frozen vegetables.

"Yum…" She grumbled sarcastically. "Looks like it's time for pizza."

'Or not…' The closest pizza place didn't deliver and she didn't have enough cash for a cab.

"Or… the café works…" The food was good and it was only like a couple blocks from her apartment. "I pray to everything holy however, that certain people aren't there." 'Yeah right.'

Slipping on her shoes and scarf, she grabbed her keys and headed out the door. Walking in the dark wasn't something she was used to, and like she said earlier, she really tried not to do it.

'Actually, this is the first time I've done it.' The thought made her stop in her tracks. 'Of course, then again, I've always had food stocked too.' The grumbling in her stomach made her forget the 'dangers' of the night and continue to her desired destination.

Stepping into the completely empty café felt weird, the saxophonist now gone from his perch. The light jazz sounds not finding its way to her ears. She didn't recognize the people working, glaring at her. 'Probably not expecting customers…' Maybe it was the fact that she was still a little dazed from the shock but she said, "Hello, I'm really very hungry- please don't spit in my food." Blinking she blushed under the florescent lights and shook her head.

"I'm sorry I-"

A soft laughter stopped her, the girl at the register who didn't look any older than her.

"We understand, sorry, we weren't expecting customers."

Glancing around she smiled and said, "I think I can tell."

Laughing again the girl said, "Just take a seat anywhere, Marty will get your order right out."

_----------_

Right out my ass… it took _forever_!

_----------_

Rubbing her stomach and paying she walked back into the night. Smiling at how cool the air was, she felt like twirling around or something. It was just too chic-flick though. She'd swing around and the guy from earlier would be standing there or something. She didn't believe in that fate stuff, but just in case, she wasn't going to try it.

Laughing she ran up her stairs and unlocked her door, stepping inside she kicked the door closed, automatically locking it and took off her jacket again. Sitting on her small couch she turned over on her side and stared out the window to the brick wall on the other side. Hiding her face in the pillow she felt herself fall into that ephemeral utopia of dream.

'Until tomorrow…' Was her last thought of the night. Once again she was swept away, stolen by color and euphemistic thoughts. It was like, everything good at once. All together overwhelming.. and yet she was always alone. The one depressing thing about it, and it had to be that she was alone.

Even in dream, everything faded away to nothing… until tomorrow…

Waking up the next day she groaned and pulled the covers over her head. Frustrated she got up and got dressed.

'The refrigerator won't just re-stock itself… if only.'

Sliding on a pair of jeans and a plain long-sleeve t-shirt she pulled her hair up in a sloppy bun and slipped on some shoes and was gone.

_----------_

That part was boring… I suggest we skip it… although, that bag-boy- wait no!

_----------_

Lugging the groceries up the stairs the girl cursed under her breath when her bag split and her groceries tumbled to the ground.

'Never happened before and it chooses now to do it, wow… thanks karma.' What had she done huh? Ok, so she upset a guy, who she clearly said she wasn't interested in… big deal, did her bag have to split?

"Maybe that's a little extreme…" Possible, and since she herself was dramatic, it was more of an almost definitely.

For somebody who didn't believe in fate, or luck or karma, she sure had a lot of bad karma, bad luck and fate was cruel. Perhaps she just needed a break from life or guys or… something.

_How did that book end again?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

_There's a saying, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Well, I don't know about other people, but have you ever gotten lemon juice in a cut before? That stuff stings!_

----------

Another two weeks… two weeks of avoiding the café and of the boy who smiled too much… Two weeks of doing _absolutely_ nothing.

"Two-hundred and thirty-two… two-hundred and thirty-three… crap, which tile was I counting again?" Rubbing her hands over her face the girl stood and shook her shoulders feeling less tense than a moment before. Counting the little dots of the tiled squares of her bedroom ceiling could only satisfy her for so long. Wandering into the kitchen she thought about all she had done in the past two weeks, "she had tried to brave the café, but when she neared it some freaky sixth sense told her not to go. She took a walk in some park near her apartment, went to class, and she went to the grocery store. Wow, what a two weeks that was. Grimacing she thought about college. She kind of felt bad about going to college here, without a job and her parents sending her money every week. Actually, she felt really bad! She was old enough to think for herself, and yesterday she had noticed a few places with 'Help Wanted' signs up. Nodding she walked out of her bedroom grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and quickly wrote a small letter to her parents informing them that she was going to get a part-time job that would not interfere with school and that they no longer needed to send her money. Taking in a sharp breath she fished around her desk drawer for an envelope and a stray stamp. She folded the letter, put it in the envelope, and placed it on her kitchen counter ready to be sent. With the sense of new accomplishment she decided to go apply for some jobs, hoping she was in luck today. Even though she didn't believe in luck.

Grinning at her reflection in the mirror she frowned when she noticed how completely… old she looked. Not her face or anything, but pathetically… like so many books she had read, it was her eyes that appeared so old. They weren't sparkling or something anymore, they were just so… dull. Pulling her bottom eyelid down some she inspected her eyes further from a few different angles, finally making a face at her reflection before she walked into her bedroom.Grabbing a pair of dress slacks and a plain white blouse she slid them on and looked at her reflection again. Her hair was unruly and flowed down her back as per usual now. It was wavy, curling slightly at the ends and reminded her very much of a red forest. Clipping some of it up she slid on a jacket, a pair of close-toed heels and walked out of her apartment, grabbing the letter on her way out. Slipping it into her mailbox downstairs she shivered as she opened the door and into the sidewalk. Glancing around she decided to go apply at the flower shop down the street. The few times she had been in there the girl at the counter, who was about her age, was very nice and smiled often. Grunting as some strange person ran into her stomach she felt her chest contract and heat up as she lost her breath.

"Jerk…" she muttered under her breath as she regained her ability to breath properly. Blushing she continued walking, smiling as the store came into sight. Listening to the soft tingling of the bells as she walked in she smiled softly at the girl who was beaming at her from behind the desk.

"Hello! Welcome to _The Flower Shop on 23rd Street_! My name is Karol, may I be of service to you today?" The girl nodded her head and pointed to the sign outside the door.

"Yes, I just came to apply for a job. I noticed that you had a sign up and decided to come apply. Is there an application anywhere?" The girl, Karol, smiled and waved her hand. "No need, when can you start?"

Feeling her eyes widen she asked, "You don't want to know if I've had any previous experience?" Karol laughed and asked, "You're from the country right?" Frowning the girl nodded, 'What does that have to do with anything-' "So your mom had a garden correct?" The girl licked her dry lips and said, "Well my dad actually but…" Karol cut her off and said, "It's the same concept… all I need you to do is water the flowers and cut the dirty parts off so Christine can arrange them. Smiling the girl held out her hand and felt the relief spread through her as Karol shook her hand, "I can start tomorrow actually! Thank-you so much! When do you need me?" This time it was Karol's turn to frown and say, "Don't you want to know how much it pays?" The girl blushed and said, "Oh yes well… I didn't really think of that… How much does-"

Karol cut her off again smirking as she said, "Well… starting out I guess you can handle fifteen an hour… Six days a week sound good to you?" Nodding her head the girl said, "Yes, every other day though I'm going to have to take a few hours off and go to school… is that alright?" Raising her eyebrows Karol said, "Yeah, no problem! Just let me know when and we'll get that taken care of! I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow!" Smiling the girl waved and walked outside, feeling a new sensation of triumph. She smiled as she headed back to her apartment to change into something more… comfortable. Running up her stairs she stumbled in her excitement and grabbed the railing for balance. Laughing she shook her head and continued at a somewhat slower pace. Grinning at her door she opened it up and danced back to her bedroom. Stopping she thought about her new job.

'Ok… I just sent a letter to my parents who were paying for my rent, school, and food source. I just sent them a letter telling them to not send me money anymore… except for school. My rent is well over a thousand a month… which is what I will be paying for eight hours of work a day for six days a week. Then there are groceries… which will cost at least four hundred every other week. I have a two bedroom, one bathroom apartment with a full kitchen and a living room… Oh no!' Groaning the girl said, "I need a roommate!"

Stomping into her bedroom she pulled her clothes off angrily and pulled on a pair of jeans, a dark blue tank top, and a blue sweater that fell slightly off her shoulders, revealing said tank top. Taking the clip out of her hair she let it all just flow naturally down in it's waves and groaned in annoyance. The last thing she needed was a roommate! It'd definitely have to be a girl though! Boys were a major no-no! The girl would have to be nice and not… well promiscuous. 'This might be a toughie after all.'

Feeling her stomach grumble she blushed to herself as she remembered in her rush she forgot breakfast. Glancing at the clock she shrugged and figured she could have an early lunch. Deciding she'd try her luck she quickly locked her door and headed towards the café. It was after all, only a couple blocks away. Shivering from the autumn air she began walking towards the café, smiling at strangers for a change.

Ignoring the strange glances she received she smiled as she recognized the big neon-red sign of the café in front of her. The light sounds of jazz reached her ears and she smiled at the old man playing the saxophone and dropped a few dollars in his case. "Good to see you back again." He said, his voice deep and raspy, smiling grandfatherly at her, before playing again. Smiling she said, "Good to be back again!" Stepping into the warmth of the café she waved at Marty through the kitchen and sat herself down in her usual booth. Glancing around she smiled as she drummed her fingers on the table waiting for a waitress to come take her order. When one finally came over a few minutes later she said, "Hello! I just want a cheeseburger please, ooh maybe some fries too! And a Coke if you don't mind!" The waitress smiled and nodded writing it all down as she walked away saying over her shoulder, "It'll be right out!"

Nodding the girl continued to think to herself, 'I'm going to need to buy an ad in the paper… Let's see… Two bedroom, one full bathroom apartment, complete with full kitchen and living room. Cable and Internet access included… preferably female…' Shaking her head she laughed at how absolutely ridiculous she sounded. Making out a mental list already? That could've at least waited until she got home! Grinning she noticed her burger heading her way and grabbed the mustard in preparation to absolutely smother it on top. Just mustard, just the way she liked it! She felt her stomach grumble in anticipation. Licking her lips she thanked the waitress before squirting the mustard on top. Placing the bun back on she closed her eyes as she took her first bite. It was simply heaven. Squirting ketchup on the plate she swiped it up with a fry and giggled she chewed it up happily.

'I'm the only girl I know that gets this happy over food… I fear I might turn into a glutton!'

Laughing silently she shook her head and continued eating, thinking to herself what exactly she wanted her roommate to be like… 'She should be about the same height as me, dark hair… dark eyes, pretty, nice… Love animals… and movies, we could have movie marathons!' Thinking about it, she was beginning to get excited at the idea of having a roommate. She wouldn't be alone anymore, and it wouldn't be weird or anything. Biting a rather un-lady like bite of her burger she felt her cheeks puff from the amount of food in her mouth. Chewing happily she unconsciously heard the bells ring and ignored it as she continued chewing.

"…Ryan, stop it!" Feeling her eyes widen, the girl tensed and heavily swallowed what food she had in her mouth and turned around. Sure enough, there he was, with the girl who was giggling in his arms as he tickled her sides lightly. She _lovingly_ swatted at his arm in a very girly way and kissed his cheek lightly, smiling at him under her naturally dark eyelashes.

Narrowing her eyes the girl ignored the dropping feeling in the pit of her stomach and continued eating. Glancing up as they walked by, which by the way he completely ignored her as if he didn't notice her, she swallowed hard again at the sight of their hands intertwined… It made her sick. Glancing down at her half-eaten burger she pushed it away and stood up, finally gaining his attention, the shocked look on his face showed that before he really hadn't noticed her… that upset her somehow. Walking slowly towards the cash register she smiled weakly at the girl behind it and said, "Um… I think I owe some money…" The girl smiled and rang up her price. Handing her a ten she managed to get out a strangled, "Just keep the change…" She needed to get out of that place ASAP, as soon as possible! Rushing towards the door she was satisfied at the ringing of the bells. Smiling weakly at the old man who nodded his head to her, his eyes searching hers and somehow finding something, he stopped playing and said, "It'll all work out for you miss… I'm sure of it, whatever is bothering you, It'll get better." He just kept playing and she nodded feeling her eyes water up.

"See, this is why you don't talk to people! Gah, I feel so foolish!" Feeling a hot tear slide down her face she wiped it off and continued walking, ignoring her blurred vision as she felt her cheeks run over with tears. "I didn't even like him! Why am I crying?" Wiping her cheeks again she sniffled when they only were replaced by more tears. "Damn…"

----------

_See? Lemon juice stings REAL bad!_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

_Sometimes, when life gets you down it's best to stay down and feign defeat._

_It's always great after that to the watch the surprised look on the bastards face when you stand up and kick life right in the arse!_

----------

Boys are stupid, and usually not worth the tears girls spend on them. But hey! Girls are pretty dumb too; they usually end up crying anyways. At least… that's what this girl decided as she felt her own boy induced tears stream down her face. (Wow, how cliché this whole situation is huh?)

'I am the dumbest of them all!' Laughing in a forlorn way, she shook her head and said, "So much for my 'no boys' policy!" Sniffling she rubbed her eyes and continued, "Ha, I told him I didn't like him and look who ended up hurt in the end!"

Tucking her hands into the pockets of her jeans she strolled silently along the sidewalk towards her home. Why couldn't she ever learn from her own past mistakes? She came to this damn city to have fun and so far, she hadn't been having much fun at all.

'Why did I even talk to him in the first place? I knew he was bad news and I talked to him anyways! I told him he was just like every other guy,' Sighing she frowned, "And I even almost felt bad when he looked hurt!"

'Bastard…'

Yeah, he really was a bastard! He played her for a serious fool, and he had played right because she was the one left standing alone in her proverbial 'dunce' cap. Maybe- maybe she was jumping to conclusions? She was kind of known for doing that. Perhaps the girl _fell_… into his arms… where she stayed… and lovingly hit him… 'Gah that's bullshit!' She was so mad right now she just wanted to scream! Or pout or do something extremely childish, like stomp her feet, show how she really felt! Then again, she wasn't good at showing inner emotion though.

Instead she felt another tear slide down her cheek. And another… wow, crying didn't take much effort anymore did it? Her 'walls' were officially down and she knew better than anyone that they were bound to come down sometime or another. How pathetic was she though? Crying over a man she barely knew, said she didn't like, and only spoke to twice! This whole situation was ridiculous!

Sitting on a nearby bus stop bench she covered her face in humiliation. She had just spent the past twenty minutes, in public, during the day, crying. Bawling was more like it, and no matter what anybody says; there is no graceful way to cry. It was more like heaving sobs caught in her throat and she was sure her nose was stuck looking like Rudolph's right about now (i.e. big and red). Laughing she wiped her face and turned to the old lady staring at her warily from the opposite side of the bench. Smiling wickedly she asked, "On a scale from one to ten about how bad do I look right now?" The old lady started and turned quickly in front of her, completely ignoring the girl as she had before she had sat down. Snorting the girl stood up and for some reason, felt somewhat better. Being a sarcastic sore loser usually helped that…

'I'd feel much better if I had some ice-cream though…' How lucky was it that she just so happened to have ice cream at home? Very lucky… very lucky indeed… So now she'd be a sarcastic sore loser _with_ ice cream ha! Beat that!

Rolling her eyes she wiped under her eyes staring in disgust at the onyx essence on her fingers. "Ugh…" Ugh indeed! Mascara was really nasty when it was wet! Wow… even this upset she still had enough absurdity to be random…

Shrugging her shoulders the girl felt for her keys and groaned when all she felt was her own thigh. Come on! Please don't tell her she left them in the café!

"Cliché Fan Club, current President speaking…" She mumbled sardonically and quickly eyed the sidewalk as she sped back towards the café in desperate search of her 'gone astray' keys. 'On one hand, maybe I got lucky and some serial killer stole them from my very pocket… on the other hand, maybe I left them in the café.' "I'm kind of hoping it was that first one…. Ohh." She groaned and pictured the mortifying scene awaiting her.

'I can see it now…

"_Hey…" (Mr. Hot-pants is speaking currently) "I didn't want to hurt you or anything, and I didn't figure you'd mind… after all you turned me down, remember?" (Little Miss Brunette who giggles too much is hanging on his arm, sneering)_

"_Yeah, no pr-problem… I'm totally cool with it." (Enter tears, and the 'pity' looks from cause of tears…) _

I do not want that happening so just ignore him if he's there…'

After the scene she made though, she doubted that he would just leave her alone… That was what was really horrible about it. She was hoping he would feel bad about it, but now she would just seem hysterical and clueless… not that it wasn't true, but she didn't want to seem that way! Feeling herself blush madly she sighed as the café sign came into sight. Narrowing her eyes, she decided she would do this with dignity… and raccoon eyes… damn.

Smiling feebly at the saxophone player who gave her an incredulous look she opened the door and stepped inside, ignoring the chill bumps she got as the warmth caressed her chilled skin. Walking past a few people waiting to pay their tabs she made her way towards her booth… their booth… err, whatever, THE booth. Fortunately, or unfortunately… she couldn't exactly tell which one it was with the mixed emotions her heart was sending, Ryan wasn't there. Sighing in relief, or was it rejection? She sat down and grabbed her keys, which by the, surprisingly, were still on the table. Laying her head on her outstretched arms she shook her head a gave a muffled, "Shocking…"

All of it was shameful. The crying, the laughing, the reflection, the relief and disillusionment, all of it. Every emotion she had felt for the past thirty minutes was appalling. How could a person have so many thoughts and feelings in such a short time? It was disgusting… she missed it when everything was semi-rational. Then again, being irrational is only human after all.

Snorting again she laughed. She'd blame it on madness but she'd be lying to herself. This entire situation was all so familiar. It was insane, and it would seem like rather she wanted it or not, her life had officially become just like that of those girls on T.V. (except for the wicked adventures part of course). And after all this self-revelation to her inner most thoughts, all she could manage to say was a very shaky, "Hell…"

"You're telling me… and I haven't even seen your face yet!"

Groaning she managed to mumble out, "Go… away." Great… how embarrassing. Feeling her face heat up she was silently thankful her head was down.

"Oh come on, don't give me that! A little while ago I thought somebody had shot your dog the way you looked at me and now you're ignoring me again?"

Smirking she said, "Somehow, believe it or not, it's not that hard to do. It'd be a lot easier though if you would be silent." Complete lie… she was just glad he was paying attention to her again, though she would never admit it. Only multiplying her mortification at her own previous tears. When calm met her ears she looked up, almost worried that he had left. Yet there he was, smirking at her as if saying 'Ha, I knew it!' Grumbling to herself she almost missed the low whistle he gave. Glaring at him she snapped out a, "What?" He shook his head and said, "Man, and I thought your _hair_ looked bad!"

Blushing she hid her face in her arms and said, "Why are you here anyways? Shouldn't you be with Giggles?" Hearing him chuckle she glanced up slowly, so that her eyes now peeked up at him in question. He smiled down at her and said, "That's what's got you so… down or whatever?" Groaning she hid her face again and gave stifled, "Damnit…" He laughed and said, "Wow, I'm touched… and here I was thinking you didn't care…"

Sitting up abruptly she punched him in the arm and said, "Look freakazoid answer the question, and stop making smart-ass comments!" Growling, she crossed her arms and turned away from him. She heard him hiss and say, "Not if it's going to lead towards domestic violence." Seeing her glare at him from across the table he gave a hasty, "But at the risk of being hit again, we're not together." Raising her eyebrows she shook her head and said, "Unbelievable…" Standing up she began making her way towards the door when a strong hand grabbed her arm. Whirling around she said, "What!" He backed away and said, "What is the matter with you? You get upset seeing me with other girls, but you don't want to be with me? Are you kidding?" Pushing his chest she said, "I don't like you, and if you did like me you wouldn't have been around other girls at all! You're only proving my point that you're just like every other guy you- you man-whore!" Stomping out the door she felt tears prickle her eyes again. He'd managed to make her cry twice in one day, amazing. Another reason she shouldn't like him.

Hearing the bells ring behind her she suddenly felt his vice-like grip on her arm again and a for once angry voice say, "Stop running away from me!"

Turning around she stared up into his eyes and felt her breathing hitch. She had forgotten how beautiful they were. Watching them soften from their hard state she licked her dry lips as he asked her lowly, "Why do you refuse to believe you're attracted to me?"

Frowning, not to mention blushing at their closeness, she said, "I don't refuse to believe I'm attracted to you… I refuse to believe I like you, there's a difference you know."

Hearing him chuckle she hid her face and said, "Look… I'm sorry about what I said… I don't know if I meant it or not…"

Glancing at him as he rose one eyebrow and asked, "You don't know if you meant it or not?" Nodding slowly she said, "I don't even know you… I'm not entitled to call you a man-whore yet…"

He laughed deep in his throat and said, "God I missed your comments…" Blushing she struggled in his grasp and he sighed, letting her go. Stepping back she said, "Yeah… well… I have to go… do something, or another." Seeing his face fall she faltered and said, "It's not really all that important though…"

Smiling at her he said, "Yeah… you dig me."

Rolling her eyes she said, "Don't push it…"

His smile widened and he said, "What do you want to do?" Glancing at him suspiciously she said, "Was that supposed to be an innuendo of some kind?" He laughed and said, "It's whatever you wanted it to be… tell me now… if you _supposedly_ don't like me… why were you crying?" Tensing she asked, "Why does it matter?"

He frowned and wiped under her eyes, rubbing the smudged mascara underneath his fingers. "I don't know… why does it?" Shaking her head she said, "Listen… don't get serious… ok? I have my reasons, and they're mine. We'll leave it at that."

Torpidly nodding his head he tucked his hands into his pockets and stood awkwardly by her side, glancing at the bricks of the building they stood by. Feeling agitation claw at her throat she said, "You're not going to ask me again? Anything?" Giving her an incredulous look he said, "And give you an excuse for leaving… again? I don't think so."

Blushing she looked away and said, "Yeah well… I don't need an excuse…" She felt a calloused hand on her cheek and a soft voice say, "I'm not letting you escape again…" Breathing out softly she looked up into his olive green eyes and whispered, "It's not up to you…" He leaned in closer and said, "That's perfectly fine with me…" Closing her eyes she leaned in and felt her heart speed up anxiously. She felt his hand move to gently grasp her neck in the typical chic-flick style and her eyes instantly widened and she pulled away. She placed a hand on her lips and stared at him. Nothing had happened… but she just couldn't do this…

"I- I can't do this… I don't need a reason to stay here!" She turned around and began to walk away, and again she felt his hand grab her. He said, "Is this going to become habitual? Why can't you just let life happen?"

Pushing him she said, "Because my life is not just supposed to _happen_! I've had my entire life planned out since I was four! I will not have some sweet-talking, city boy mess it up now!"

He pulled her towards him and looked into her eyes saying, "I know you like me, and you know I like you… how is that messing up your life?"

Glowering at him she bit her lip and looked away, blushing as she suddenly let his words sink in, "Why do you like me? You don't even know my name…" He smiled and said, "I don't need to… you're witty, pretty, and have a mean streak big enough cover the entire city… what more could a guy ask for?"

Rolling her eyes she said, "Besides a new rhyme scheme?" He laughed and she smiled and slowly kissed his cheek. Blushing as he rose his eyebrow at her.

She quickly said, "It's the attraction… not the like…" He nodded his head and said, "Right…"

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_Why was she laying on the ground, and why the hell did her bum hurt so bad?_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

_Have you ever heard the expression, "Close but no cigar"? What the hell is that supposed to mean anyways? Does that make me 'close but no cigar' at life? So what am I then, a cigarette?_

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Blushing she turned her head away and cursed her own attraction. Why did God or whoever make boys so… attractive? Wow, how eloquent she had become. Blushing had become like a second nature around him… it was like one minute she was fine then the next **POW** there it goes, spreading like a prairie fire.

"You know… if you blush like that too much, your face might become a permanent blemish." He said, his trademark smirk alighting his features. Scowling she pulled away from him and gave him a… rather- un-lady like gesture, as she began walking away. Looking over her shoulder she said, "That's for being a jerk…" Smiling secretively as she heard him chuckle she caught herself and felt her eyes widen. Scowling at herself she tossed her hair over her shoulder haughtily and said, "Well… I'm going to go now…"

'I almost got comfortable… damn. I need to get out of here fast.' She waited for his reaction though…

She noticed his eyes widen as he said, "Wait! Where are you going?" Raising an eyebrow she said coldly, "You're trying to check up on me now?" Smiling guiltily he rubbed his head and said, "No… I just meant- I just wanted to know why you're leaving." Sneering she said, "Because I can."

'Wow, that was a little… um… mean.' Shrugging her shoulders at her own reaction, she decided that she was wandering into dangerous territory and needed to distance herself from this man. As she said earlier, she didn't need a reason to stay in this God forsaken place. She was here for school, and then she was gone… back home… where she belonged. He was just a speed bump along the way anyways, he would've left soon enough. She was doing him a favor _really_.

"I don't get you…" An angry voice cut into her thoughts, "You say you _don't_ like me, I know you hate seeing me with other girls, but you're attracted to me… what the hell?" She closed her eyes and turned slowly towards him. She felt all of her defenses crumble and she breathed out, "Leave…" She barely heard the footsteps as he grabbed her arms and forced her to look at him. Opening one eye slowly she stared into furious, frightening, and yet frighteningly beautiful green eyes…

'Aagh, no! Bad! Bad girl, get away now!' Struggling in his arms, she felt his steel-like grip tighten and she bit her lip and looked back into his eyes. He leaned in closer to her his eyes pleading and she whispered, "Please… just go… you don't understand, you never will." Startling her, he pulled away, his eyes steely, and began walking away. In her fogged mind she hardly registered that he left again, so she just watched him walk away… again. Tilting her head she felt as if something metallic congealed in her stomach. Breathing out a sigh she never felt curl in her throat, she turned around and began heading back to her apartment.

She barely made it three feet in front of her before the consequences of her actions came back full-force. Covering her face she looked behind her and shook her head. "Stupid…" No time for regrets now… she had to do what she always did when she was supposed to be upset, but didn't have time for it… schoolwork. And she had plenty of it after all. Sighing she blew a stray piece of hair angrily and covered her arms from the cold. Why the hell did she always have to be so… standoffish, aloof, or maybe reticent would be the best of the words… trust me, she could go on. Grumbling to herself she began her trudge to her apartment, again.

Leave it to herself to find somebody who liked her, which she had no idea why he would, only to drive him away… twice. After all those tears she cried for him (which she thought was stupid and immature by the way), you'd think she'd fight to hold onto him… but when she did it again… she didn't feel like crying. She just felt- just felt cold. Shivering she walked up the stairs towards her door… when had she entered the building? Shaking her head she smiled bleakly as she opened her door and plopped down on her couch. Taking off her shoes she took a moment to rub her toes, which were freezing by the way, and dwell on the day's previous events, a particularly handsome face came to mind. Grunting she grabbed a book and began reading what was required before typing her paper, or trying to. The 'tacking' of the keys relaxed her and she momentarily forgot about 'what's-his-face' and instead let her mind drift to her new job, and potential roommates. Biting her fingernail she thought, 'Well… Karol seemed nice, and I suppose Christine will be too… hopefully.' Glancing around she wiped her face in aggravation; she still had to find a roommate. How did she go about doing that? Maybe she should ask her landlord to handle it for her… yeah, definitely let him handle it. She'd call him later though.

What was her problem? Do you know how hard she was trying right now not to think about certain people she'd rather not be thinking about? Very hard, and even then green eyes kept popping up randomly, looking heartrendingly beautiful. Wait… did thinking about _not_ thinking about him count as technically thinking about him? Ohh… man, this was way too… confusing, and unwanted.

"All I've ever wanted was to succeed, and be contented. So far I have succeeded in making myself miserable." Biting her lip she suddenly felt the urge to go find him or something and apologize. He deserved to know why she couldn't return his feelings… willingly. She couldn't lie anymore she had a strange… Um- assortment of feelings for him, but it would take much time and energy to search through them and recognize each for what it was. Too bad she had no idea what his last name was, or where he lived. No phone call, or house call… 'There's always the hope that he'll come into the café looking for me, but after today, I doubt that's going to happen.'

Maybe he went back to giggles? She couldn't blame him, giggles really seemed to like him, and showed him. So she was… happy for him? Gah! She couldn't even lie to herself right! All she wanted to do right now was scream and stomp her feet. This whole situation was just like a book, where two people meet and like each other but one is being held back by honor, or duty, or something like pride. Hers was kind of a mix of honor and duty. She didn't have time for a boyfriend, her grades would suffer, and that's why she couldn't date him. That and she needed to go home. She was always being held back by something, like she had told him, she had planned her life out since she was four years old, and he was not going to ruin that.

"Not that it matters anymore…" She grumbled. 'Wait… what the hell? Was that bitterness my precious?' Rolling her eyes she decided she either officially barmy, or legitimately a geek. With the way her emotions were riling up, she had to decide it was an unpleasant merge of both. Shaking her head she decided to… to… go out. For no particular reason other than her apartment had bad Chi, or Karma…

'You don't believe in that crap…' A voice whispered in her mind, traitorously sounding like her own. Grunting she pulled on a knitted cap and slid her jacket back on, making sure she grabbed her _multi-colored_ scarf this time. "Yeah well… what do you know anyways?" She said agitatedly. Locking her door she ran out of her door and began to walk down the street, to no particular direction. Okay, so it just so happened to be the same direction 'What's-his-face' left in.

"Why do I keep referring to him as 'what's-his-face'?" She groaned and decided she definitely needed to stop thinking out-loud. 'Maybe so I don't think about him as much… You know… I think you secretly don't want to see him again.' She raised an eyebrow and stopped, her mind working in overtime. 'Think about how awkward it would be if you did find him, you and I both know you aren't very good with words around him and besides, you'd get that tragic romance '_Romeo and Juliet_' ending you've always dreamed of. Technically, it's a win-win situation.' Snorting she said, "Romeo and Juliet? No offense to Shakespeare or anything, but that's not romance… that's a crush taken WAY too far. Come on, she was what thirteen or fourteen? He was older than that, probably seventeen, maybe eighteen? Of course he charmed her pants off, literally." Shaking her head she continued… in thought. 'Think about it, they didn't know each other but for a couple of days… that's not love… but it makes for a first-rate story apparently.'

It was official… she was more foolish than she was a nerd. Her talking to herself, in more than one way, proved it. That and her half-baked, get the boy, plan wasn't working. Secretly she knew it wouldn't have anyways. Her sub-conscious was right, she was way too um… aloof and awkward to have anything to say to him, even if it had importance like 'Hey kid, I like you but I can't be with you.' That'd go over _real _well. He'd probably be so furious at her, um… again. She really seemed to have a knack at infuriating people, with him at least. What happened to the cool, level headed girl that she had been a month ago? She seemed to have disappeared in a cloud of bus exhaust. Smiling grimly she stuck her hands into her pockets and cursed under her breath. She might as well turn around now. The sight of a gray beanie from the side of her eyes got her excited though, and without thinking she began hustling through the crowd in a hurry to get to them.

"Ryan! Ryan wait!" She called out; grunting as her stomach once again collided with someone's elbow. Feeling a heat encase her ribs she wheezed and looked around, but it was too late. The beanie was gone, and so was the person in it. Closing her eyes she felt the heat flame up in her stomach, as if she had swallowed something that had curdled. It was disappointment.

'That's ok though…' She thought half-heartedly, 'my battle plan needed some work anyways… the whole diving in head-first thing wasn't really working.' Rubbing her stomach she grumpily decided to go sit down somewhere. Sitting on her second bus stop bench that day she leaned her head back and stared at the sky.

"Damn…" She muttered, crossing her arms across her chest. Closing her eyes she breathed in deep, and let it all out in one big huff. This was harder than her expectations had been lying to her that it would be. Opening one eye she stared into big green irises. Startled she jumped up and blushed when she realized it wasn't whom she was expecting. Not even close. The little boy darted off as soon as she opened her eyes, disappearing in the crowd. She was so sure it was him…

"Get it together girl…" She nodded her head and decided that after a good week or two, she'd forget about him. Or he wouldn't be stuck in her mind at least. Closing her eyes she turned around and began walking back when she ran into somebody, again. Opening her eyes to some random chest she started muttering apologies before looking up into a rather familiar face. Tilting her head she examined his face and watched as he regarded her through large apologetic brown eyes. Smiling she said, "Cody right?" He smiled and nodded his head asking, "Have we met? You seem rather familiar."

Laughing she said, "We've 'run into each other' before. A couple of weeks ago I think actually." Suddenly his eyes lit up in recognition and he said, "I thought so, sorry again!" Waving she said, "No need to apologize… I have to go, but it was nice… um bumping into you! Good-bye!" She shook her head as she felt his eyes bore into her back, feeling her face heat up in embarrassment.

'Bumping into you? Run into each other? What have I become, the Pun Queen?' Laughing she covered her face and groaned in exasperation. God she was really beginning to think her life was-

"Is _he_ why you won't be with me?" Came a quiet heated voice. Feeling her eyes widen she looked up into hurt green eyes. Feeling something well up inside her she just reacted on impulse and threw her arms around his neck. She felt him tense and then slowly put his arms around her. Blushing she pulled away and said, "Um… sorry."

Damn, now what was she doing? First she set out to tell him she couldn't be with him, and nowshe was all over him? This was out of character.

'Shit… now what? Here comes the awkwardness…'

Instead he looked at her and smirked. Raising one eyebrow he said, "My cologne must smell better than I thought." Smiling she gazed up at him, silently thanking him for making her feel less embarrassed. Looking into her deep-blue eyes he whispered, "So what's up?" Pulling away she said, "Um… I thought I should just explain my reasons for not… um… wanting to be- be with you." She finished lamely. He frowned and said, "Not wanting to be with me? Well I'm game, let's hear it." She felt that all too familiar annoyance scramble it's way up her throat and past her lips as she said, "I'm game? You don't care? Am I just some game to you?" Snarling at him she turned around and began walking away before he all too familiarly grabbed her around her waist and turned her around, his eyes twinkling in amusement now however.

"Easy there tiger… Don't get so riled up. Now, will you please clear some things up?" Blushing she looked down before a calloused hand grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him… into his hypnotizing beautiful jade eyes. Smiling nervously she nodded her head and said, "Um… this was easier in my head you know." Grinning softly at her he whispered, "Of course…" Swallowing hard she looked away from him, despite the hand holding her chin so gently and said, "I won't be with you because I can't be attached to this place." Glancing back at him, he had his face suspicious as he said, "That's all?" nodding her head slowly and said, "That's all I will admit…" Letting go of her chin he said, "Well ok then… thank-you for your explanation. I appreciate it."

Frowning she grabbed his arm as he turned around and said angrily, "Is that supposed to be some kind of dismissal?" turning around he looked at her for a long time, in silence and finally said calmly, "Yeah…" Stepping back she said, "What? No 'Can we still be friends' or anything?" He shook his head slowly and said, "I can't be 'just' friends with you…" Biting her lip she looked down and swallowed hard, feeling hot tears well up in her eyes as she lowly said, "I guess this is goodbye then…" Looking up she noticed he was gone, turning quickly on her heel she couldn't see him anywhere. He left without a goodbye…

"Shit…" This whole thing between them was beginning to tire her out… it was getting old fast. Something about not being with him just didn't settle right with her, but being with him… being with him… wouldn't be so bad after all…

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_Put that in your pipe and smoke it!_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

_Sometimes when I look at my life I begin to wonder if I'm really here, or if… if maybe I'm stuck somewhere else imagining this and any minute now somebody is going to snap their fingers in front of my face and ask, "Are you okay?"_

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"Even after ALL this time you still expect me to believe, that you two have known each other since you were four?" Glancing suspiciously as Karol, the girl laughed a little. Wiping off her hands she leaned against the front counter and said, "You met at dance class? You have to be joking… then what the hell made you open a flower shop?"

Laughing, Karol wiped off the front counter and said, "Yeah, I expect you to believe that, and yeah it was a dance class. And why do you care as long as it pays good?" Shaking her head the girl smiled, ran a hand through her hair and said playfully, "Yeah… maybe a little _too_ good if you catch my drift, what are you hiding hmm?" Karol glared at her and said sarcastically, "We're jewel thieves and this ritzy flower shop is our way of playing it 'innocent'… But don't tell anybody we're going for realism." Faking shock the girl grabbed her heart and said, "I knew it… I swear I did, the first time I looked at you I said to myself, 'This girl looks thievish,' I did."

Karol said something else while Christine laughed in the background, and I could feel myself smiling on reflex, but I felt my mind wandering… How long had it been?

How long had it been since she sat down and really just wondered about what Ryan was doing? Blah! Not that it mattered of course, it was just pure curiosity, honest.

Karol and Christine reminded her of her friends back home. Well, she knew Christine better than Karol, considering she lived with her. Yeah… Christine did have her own apartment, but she liked the idea of having more money to do other stuff with so she moved in a week or two ago. It was slightly strange, you know… having a roommate and all. I'll get used to it eventually though. Anyways, I'm off subject… I was meaning to say that I felt better these past few weeks than I have in a long while. I like being alone a lot, but sometimes… sometimes it's nice to be another person you know? With Karol and Christine, I'm allowed to do that. Although, when I laugh… it still feels a bit hollow… I try not to think of why though.

"Yoo-hoo? Are you there?" Karol asked, waving her hand in front of the girls face, staring at her agitatedly. Scowling the girl pushed her hand away and said, "You mean physically or spiritually?" Rolling her eyes Karol scoffed and knocked the girl playfully over her head. Sticking her tongue out the girl walked back to the back and began watering the flowers.

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Opening the door later that night the girl and Christine sighed as they plopped down on their couch. Wiping her face the girl groaned and slumped down falling to the floor. Christine laughed and spread out over the rest of the couch, resting her arm across her eyes. Glancing up the girl said, "I say we go out for dinner… I'm too tired to make anything." Christine pulled her arm up and nodded her head saying, "That means we have to walk though!"

Rolling her eyes the girl said, "Yeah, but just think… WE don't have to cook!" Smiling Christine stood up and stretched glancing down at the girl in expectation. The girl stood up and reached for their keys while grabbing her coat she hadn't realized she put up, and her knitted hat, and they left.

Walking down the street they chatted a little and tried to decide on where to go. Christine didn't want fast food, and the girl didn't want anything fancy so, finally she offered up the café. Christine agreed and they went, 'Pssh like he'd be here now, its night!'

Shivering the girl smiled at Christine as they entered saying earnestly, "You're going to love this place! I haven't been here in a while, so I'm pretty excited!"

Sitting down she took off her jacket and whispered, "The food is really good, and there's usually some pretty hot guys too!" She added, winking. Christine laughed and said, "Yeah, I can see what you mean! Whew!" The girl glanced at Christine fanning herself and laughed, "What? You mean there actually is a hot guy in here I was totally just playing…" Turning around, the girl's laugh caught in her throat and she closed her eyes, shaking her head.

Opening them again she gave a shaky laugh and turned to Christine saying, "Oh… you mean him? Yeah he's okay I guess, if you like that type." Christine raised one eyebrow and said, "Like that type? What, you mean sexy?" Laughing half-heartedly the girl said, "Yeah… Heh… Maybe we should go somewhere else to eat, I mean it's kind of noisy in here anyways." Giving her a suspicious look Christine said, "Noisy, are you kidding? There's almost nobody in here!" Giggling uncontrollably the girl said, "Really? I didn't notice! Is it hot in here to you? I'm hot- whew!"

Glaring at Christine as she laughed at her she asked, "What?" Christine covered her mouth and said, "Are you sure you're okay? Your face is all red!" Groaning the girl laid her head in her arms and mumbled, "This isn't happening!"

"Well… while you're um… thinking or whatever, I'm going to go talk to him!" Glancing up in horror she felt her words die on her tongue when she watched powerlessly as Christine walked ever so slowly over to his table.

'Shit! No don't do it! No!' Her mind was traitorous. Why hadn't she said that out loud? Now she watched as Christine and he talked, ignoring the sinking feeling in her stomach as she saw Christine point to their booth, slumping down quickly before he looked over she covered her face. 'Please don't come over, God, please don't come over!'

Glancing up over the booth seat she noticed him smile, and nod his head as he grabbed his cup of what appeared to be coffee as they began making their way over. Quickly she hid her face in her arms again as she felt two presences, or in this case, awkward presences, sit down across from her. Feeling her shoulder being shaken she groaned as Christine said, "Are you asleep? Geez! Wake up! Anyways, this is Ryan! Ryan, this is my roommate." Feeling her pulse quicken she thanked God she grabbed her hat and gave a small wave. She heard Christine sigh agitatedly and ask, "Are you planning on sitting up, or are you just going to sit there like that all night?" She heard Ryan laugh and she felt her blood boil as she snapped out, "I'm just peachy right here like this thanks!" Grumbling Christine said, "Whatever…" Rolling her eyes the girl mumbled out a few obscenities as Christine said, "So… where are you from?"

'Duh! He's from New York! That was an absolutely stupid question-' "I'm from Georgia but I moved up here with my mom when I was sixteen." Feeling her eyes widen she peaked up a little, glancing at his face. He wasn't paying any attention to her! Geez! I don't know about you but if someone was just laying down I front of me and I didn't think I knew them, I'd definitely pay attention! Or maybe she was just jealous that he was paying so much attention to Christine. Gah! Too confusing!

Excusing herself she quickly made her way outside and hunched over, leaning her hands on her knees as she took deep breaths. "Ok…" She breathed out, "On one hand, he hasn't noticed me… on another hand, I don't know if that's good or bad…" Smacking her forehead she tried to think of what to do. She couldn't just go back in there; he'd see her for sure! She couldn't just leave Christine to walk back alone, and she didn't want to walk back alone so…

"Damn…" Gathering up all of her courage she opened the door, her head down as she sneaked her way back to their booth… 'Heh, almost there! Score for the home team! And the crowd goes wild, Raaaaah!'

"What are you doing?" Christine asked, staring at her amusedly. Glaring at her she cursed a few good lines at her in her head as Ryan turned around, causing all thought to leave her mind. Grinning weakly she gave a little finger wave as his eyes widened, she said, "Yeah…Heh… Hi…"

She watched as he swallowed heavily and said lowly, "Hey…" Christine looked between her roommates flushed face and the uncomfortable glances Ryan kept sending her and asked, "Um… am I missing something or do you two know each other?" Ryan turned quickly towards Christine and said, "No… you're not missing a thing. We- or at least I- don't know her."

The girl felt her jaw tighten and that oh so obvious agitation claw it's way past her throat as she said to Christine, "Yeah I mean, who'd want to know him anyways?" She bit her lip as he tensed and looked at her with angry eyes, spitting out, "Well… certainly not you, that's for sure!" Christine said, "Well… now that we've all-" The girl cut in and said, "Oh that's complete bullshit, don't give me that crap! You dismissed me like it was nothing!" Christine opened her mouth only to be cut off by a, "Me? I dismissed you? That's shit and you know it! I couldn't be friends with you and you made it pretty perfectly damn clear you didn't want anything else from me!" Christine huffed in irritation and leaned her head against her palm, looking back and forth between the angry two.

Growling in frustration, the girl stood up and said, "That's why too! Gah! We're nothing alike and you're so smug!" Glaring at her he said heatedly, "Oh well I apologize that I can't be your perfect guy!" Smirking she said, "Well I guess you're excused. Look don't argue, you're just so… so…" Growling he asked, "So what? So **what** damnit!"

Sighing she said, "Overrated. You're just so overrated." Thinking to herself, 'This is an inappropriate moment, but you can tell he's from the country when he's mad… Why didn't I notice that earlier?'

Giving her a broken look he said, "I'm overrated? Thanks for clearing that up so completely. I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you." The girl felt her face soften and opened her mouth to say something only to watch him turn to Christine and ask her seriously, "Do you think I'm overrated?" Christine looked shocked and said, "Um… well- I don't- I don't know you!" Smiling at her gently he said, "Would you like to get to know me?" Christine blushed and said, "Well… sure but-"

Grinning he cut in saying, "Good… that's all I needed to know. Here's my number," He said scribbling it on a napkin, handing it to her, "I hope to get a call soon, maybe we can have lunch and… get to know each other."

Standing up, he smiled gently at Christine and steeled his eyes at the girl while saying to Christine, "It was very nice meeting you, I hope we can meet again."

Christine waved a little and turned to the girl saying, "Whew! He was hot as all get out! What was going on between you two though?" Coughing the girl mumbled, "Not very much I guess…" Christine didn't catch the meaning behind the words and shrugged saying, "Well… I'm definitely going to call him! Whew!" Smiling lackadaisically, the girl laughed a little and said, "Yeah… you do that, I think he's a great guy… though I can't honestly say I would know."

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Later that night, as the girl listened to the sirens in the distance, she replayed their meeting in her head.

_"Me? I dismissed you? That's shit and you know it! I couldn't be friends with you and you made it pretty perfectly damn clear you didn't want anything else from me!"_

Yeah… She had dismissed him, and it was only reasonable that he would dismiss her… But she wasn't reasonable damnit! She was reckless inside, and cool, calm, and collected on the outside, only… less cool outside nowadays. Why the hell couldn't he be that way? If he were maybe he'd understand her situation a little better! Didn't he want to go home? God, why was this so confusing?

_"Oh well I apologize that I can't be your perfect guy!"_

That wasn't true… well… technically yeah, it was, but oh no… he had it all wrong. He was perfect for her, he wasn't afraid to hurt her feelings… he was so nice when she was, and his eyes… God his eyes… but it didn't really matter anymore.

"What an ass! He did that on purpose! What, does he think I'm going to get really jealous just because he showed interest in Christine and she showed interest back? Because I'm not!" Heaving out a sigh she covered her face and thought to herself testily, 'Yeah right.'

Standing up she paced her bedroom and bit her lip thinking to herself, 'I can not, repeat can not let them get together… I'm no way near mature enough to handle seeing that… So… What. Do. I. Do?'

Grinning she snapped her fingers and quietly opened her door, sneaking down the hallway towards Christine's room. Opening the door, she snuck over towards Christine's bedside table and grabbed the little slip of paper with the name Ryan hastily scribbled across the top, chuckling evilly to herself slipping back out like a snake in the grass, not noticing Christine open one eye and smile knowingly before falling back asleep muttering out a soft, "Loser."

Gulping the girl stared at the phone in her hand and the phone number screaming maliciously in her face, her heart pounding in her ears. This was so much easier in her head… Groaning she smacked her forehead as she hung up for the fourth time. "Why the hell can't I do this?" Grinning ironically she thought, 'Oh yeah… he's pissed at me right now. And, um… vice versa!'

Glancing down she bit her lip and closed her eyes as she dialed the number and held her breath… for what seemed like forever.

"Hello?" Came an adorable groggy voice on the other line. Breathing out she smiled and said, "Um… hey Ryan… it's- it's me…"

_----------_

_I think they might need to snap a little louder though… Or pinch me, or something…_


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

_Life was like a mini-roller coaster you hold on tight as it goes up and down and loop-de-loops and you scream in appropriate moments… but most importantly, you hold your breath and pray to God you don't blow chunks EVERYWHERE!_

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'You would think a phone call would be a simple, pleasant sort of thing. And, on most occasions, you would be absolutely correct. However, despite all of your intelligence in all matters in dealing with telephone's, you are wrong.' Mentally groaning, the girl smacked her forehead and thought to herself, 'What the hell is that? What kind of thought is that at a moment like this?'

"What? What are you doing calling-" A pause, the girl swallowed as she presumed Ryan was looking at his clock, "At one in the morning?" Groaning the girl hid her face in her palms and huffed out in frustration. Of all the responses she was expecting, that wasn't one of them. See, because now she would have to explain her actions, and let's just say… she wasn't exactly, um… verbose around boys. And being mean didn't count…

Laughing stiffly she squeaked out, "H-hey Ryan… Um… you know, I was thinking…" She stopped, what was she thinking again? Oh God no! Not now, please, of all the times to go blank! Think something up, think something up, quick, quick! "I just wanted to say… hello. And um… how's it going?"

She felt her jaw gape open as she winced at her own stupidity. 'How's it going? You called at one in the morning to say, hey how's it going? Smoo-_oo_-th.' Surprisingly, or rather not surprisingly, she heard a deep laugh on the other line. Of course he would laugh at her, if she weren't so mortified she would probably laugh at her! But as it were, she was too busy digging a proverbial hole and jumping in headfirst to notice.

"Wait… you called to say hello? Are you really this cruel or should I just hang up now?" Came a quickly agitated voice. Feeling her eyes widen the girl reached out and screamed, "NO!" Swallowing, and giving a small cough she continued, "I mean- no, um… I had a reason for calling, I swear I did. It's just-" Ryan cut in, with a yawn, "It's just what?" The girl opened her mouth a few times, only for silence to greet her. Sighing she grabbed her hair, pacing her room in frustration. It wasn't supposed to be this hard, why the hell was it this hard? She heard Ryan grumble on the other line and felt, finally, something slip past her lips.

"It's really good to hear your voice…" Gaping, quite like a fish- again, she quickly berated herself for opening her mouth at all… especially when she heard nothing on the other line. Stumbling over her next words she said, "I- I m-m-mean…" She felt her throat close as Ryan said, "Yeah… was that all?" She felt her face heat up in humiliation as she quickly went over her plan in her head again, 'Point one, call Ryan… check. Point two, tell Ryan you like him… ooh strike one. Point three, hear Ryan say, he was happy you finally came to your senses… strike two. Point three, make dinner plans for later that week… strike three and you're out of here!'

"Are you there?" Came Ryan's agitated voice. Startled, the girl grasped the phone closer and swallowed saying, "Uh… yeah." Ryan sighed grumbling out, "Is that all you wanted to say?" The girl brushed back her hair, falling back to the bed, a million thoughts crossing her mind. 'Tell him! Wait, no don't, what if he really is over you? Oh how embarrassing! Wait, do it anyways, just to see… you know- you never know until you see! But, on the offhand he might not like me, Oh God! Why me?'

"Uh… yeah… I guess." Hitting her head with her palm she closed her eyes, giving into defeat… What was the purpose of trying anymore? It was all so confusing, and so, so argh! She heard Ryan mutter out a few curses and say coldly, "Yeah… just ask Christine to call me tomorrow." Opening her eyes quickly, and sitting up the girl felt her head swim, all coherent thought escaping her. "Excuse me? No…" She said venomously.

"What? Did you say no?" Ryan said, his voice clearly angry. The girl felt her cheeks heat up in fury this time as she spit out, "That's right, I said no! Who the hell do you think you are huh?" Ryan laughed maliciously and said, "Nothing to you, so why do you care huh? Unless… unless you do care. Do you care?" Ashen the girl sucked in breathing out, "No… no, I don't care. Not at all… why should I?" She heard Ryan chuckle humorlessly and say, "Good…" Dropping the phone, the girl felt tears well up in her eyes… Sniffling she glared at the phone muttering out, "Ass…" Realizing she was still _technically_ on the phone she picked it up, and said softly, "Yeah Ryan… I'll tell her to call… sorry I bothered you."

'See… that wasn't so bad, being civil. Was it?' Sniffles were her only answer. Why was she crying? Why did she always cry now? No! No, no, no! She was, she was the ice bitch! Where was her iron strong defense? Her snide remarks? Where was her dignity? She was still on the phone too, how awful! God, now he probably thought she was just a kid. What made her think calling was a good idea in the first place I mean-

"Are you okay?" It was soft, and… caring. It just made her cry harder, feeling her throat burn from lack of oxygen. Geez, turn off the waterworks! She covered her mouth, feeling her gasps of breath slip between her fingers and she said, "Yeah… I'm fine!"

She could practically feel him frowning through the phone as he pressed gently saying, "You don't sound fine… are you- are you crying?" She laughed weakly and sniffled out, "No! That's ridiculous, I don't cry! Ever! Not me! I don't cry!" By the time she was done speaking, you couldn't hardly understand her words. Her face felt sticky, and her nose was runny, and she was constantly wiping it with the back of her hand, her breath coming only in short gulps. She heard Ryan sigh, and could see him running his hand through his hair, she covered her face with her pillow and said, "Why don't you like me anymore?" She heard Ryan curse and say quietly, "No… no, that's not it. I just-" The girl laughed and said, "I pushed you away! I know! I'm sorry, I really am! I just- just can't help it!" Of course, her pillow muffled all this, but somehow, she guessed Ryan got her meaning. He gave out a, "Damn…" and said quietly, "Will you meet me somewhere?" Feeling her sniffles subside, momentarily, she said, "When? Where?" and listened as he laughed and said, "Able to turn tears off quickly huh? Uh… I was kind of hoping now, at the café…"

Laughing gently she said, "But, I'm not hungry!" She practically heard him grinning as he said, "What? Don't I count? Girls crying always makes me hungry!" She growled and said, "I was NOT crying!" She heard a deep chuckle that said, "Then we'll agree to disagree, but we can't do that, unless **you** agree to **my** request. Right?" Wiping her eyes she muttered, "Right… meet you there in ten…" She heard him sigh and say, "Good… Bye." She hung up the phone, she never really liked good-byes anyways. They were so… uncomfortable.

Groaning she stood up and slipped on a pair of shoes and glanced at her mirror, scoffing at her reflection. Well, he wasn't getting anything spectacular, that's for sure. Her eyes were red, and her nose was puffy, and runny and her lips looked like she had almost bitten them off, her cheeks looked dirty and felt sticky. Damn… Wiping under her eyes she pulled on her jacket and locked the door, shuddering in her hallway as she made her way downstairs, and out the door… into the shivering cold. Glancing down at her feet, she hurried to the café, barely glancing as people bumped into her. She prepped herself for the oncoming conversation… it could be really good. Or she could end up in an emotional puddle on the ground. She really hoped it was the first one. She didn't know if she could take much more of this crying business… she wasn't used to it. It was kind of… um, freaky?

Blowing her hair out of her face she smiled at the sight of the café, rushing up to it, for once relieved it was empty. Waving at the girl before she sat in THEIR booth, and waited for Ryan to show up, or the waitress… whichever came first. It was the waitress (of course), grinning the girl ordered two coffees and gave her the menus sitting on the table. She smiled softly as Ryan walked into the room, his hair messy and his jeans wrinkled. She felt her heartbeat quicken as he smiled back at her, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly, walking up to her.

The coffees came and she quickly grabbed the cup, hiding her smile behind her mug. Sitting down, he ruffled her hair saying, "I see you dressed appropriately…" Blushing, she scowled at him and said, "Ass…" Laughing he leaned back staring at her, his eyes softening as he said, "You look like hell…" Covering her face she said, "You weren't supposed to say that!" Laughing and grabbing her arms he pulled them down and grasped her chin as he said, "Yeah… I know. You're still adorable though." Glancing away she swallowed and said, "Uh… thanks" Looking at him from the side of her eyes, she noticed he was still looking at her… in that funny way. Smirking she said, "See anything you like?" Leaning back he smirked and said, "At the moment? Or in general?" Feeling her cheeks flush she pushed his arm off the table and glared at him. Chuckling he said, "So…" Leering at him she said, "So?" He ran his hand through his hair and said, "Is there something you wanted to talk about?"

'This is it… Girl, you just take one big breath and say…' "I like you, and despite what I say, or do… I really want to try and make this work." Raising an eyebrow, Ryan let a smile fall across his face as he said, "Not exactly what I was expecting, but definitely a surprise." Choking on her drink she spit out, "Surprise? How is this a surprise?" Smirking he said, "Well… you _did_ say you didn't like me-" Rolling her eyes she said, "Oh please… don't give me that!" He smiled, but it faltered for a second, as if realizing something. He rubbed the back of his head again and the girl felt a knot begin to tighten itself again in her stomach… this couldn't be good. He glanced at her, turning away before saying, "You see… I wasn't exactly expecting you to, um… I wasn't expecting to see you again so-" She swallowed and said slowly, "So what?"

Looking her straight in the eye he said, "I kind of… moved on." Feeling her chest tighten, and her air become sharp and hot she said, "You- what? Moved on, I don't get it…" Shaking her head she said, "You've got to be kidding me." Smiling apologetically at her he said, "I'm afraid not. Look- I'm" Holding up one hand, the girl said, "Don't apologize. It was stupid of me to think you'd just wait around forever." Taking a shaky breath she continued, "And I respect your decision… but…" Glancing at him, under curled eyelashes, she blushed as he gazed into her own irises with his breathtaking orbs. He grabbed her hands and said, "But? But what?" Glancing away she blushed deeper and said quietly, "Do you think we could discuss it… in the morning?"

----------

Waking up, after her near restless night, she stared over at Ryan, sleeping peacefully, smiling slightly, the morning sun just beginning to peak through his blinds, bathing his face in light and her mind screamed, 'Oh God what have I done?'

Sitting up mechanically she stood up and pulled on her pants, and glanced once more at the sleeping man behind her before walking out of the door, and hopefully… out of his life.

----------

_Whoa! I didn't know one person could spew chunks that much! Eww… Nasty._

_----------_

_**Eluding Innocence **_

Sleep eludes me as hours tick away.

Childish fantasies to keep my forty winks at bay.

One by one, they all fall through my head.

Boys without consequence, lying silent in my bed.

"Nightingale, singing there so venomously,

Why must you always sing this song to me?"

Fill the porcelain with its sustenance

Washing away all my evidence.

Night departs, _'tick' 'tock'_ the clock rants.

Another gone, slipping on and out of pants.

Morning dewdrops, blades of grass.

Another day, another memory past.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

_I can honestly say, that I have no regrets… None other than letting something so precious slip between my very fingers…_

----------

'Oh my God, no! What have I done?' Running down the street, in yesterday's clothes, the girl scrambled to her apartment. Sliding down by a wall she sat on the ground and grabbed her head. What was she thinking? How the hell did she convince herself that THAT was a good idea? 'He say's he moved on and you somehow let THAT happen? No wait, you initiated THAT!' Groaning she banged the back of her head against the brick and felt the 'thump' and dull pain shoot down her neck. Rubbing the back of her head she breathed deeply. 'Get a grip girl! Thousands, wait- no! Millions of girls do that everyday!'

"Somehow, it just doesn't seem to make it right…" Muttering under her breath, she stood up and stumbled back up the stairs, and into the apartment. She had been so nervous this morning, aw hell! She had been so nervous _last night_ about what to say this morning that she barely got any sleep! So, she decided that it would be better for both of them if she just left, without saying anything at all. I mean, after all… he got what he ultimately wanted, and she got… She got…

'What did you get huh?' She plopped down on the couch and closed her eyes. Snorting, she muttered out harshly, "I didn't get shit!" A voice cut through her thoughts, startling her, "Well… that's disappointing…" Sitting up she looked around frantically, and sighed throwing the pillow she had been laying on at Christine. Christine laughed and sat down on the couch next to her with her bowl of, what appeared to be, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. "So what's up?" She asked, her mouth full of cereal. 'Without milk?' She asked herself silently, Christine seemed to catch on because she laughed and said, "They're better without milk. Don't change the subject! What's going on with you?" groaning, the girl said, "Everything! I don't know how it happened really; it was just-" Christine's eyes widened and she coughed on her cereal, grabbing her throat she said, "No way! You did not! Ooh, my, my, my… I never would've guessed!" groaning the girl buried her face in her hands and said, "It's not like that! I've never- you know, and we're not even going out anyways!" She heard Christine set the bowl down and wrap her arms around her. Glancing at her, she raised one eyebrow and asked quietly, "What… uh- what are you doing?"

"Shh… just let it all out…" Christine said, rubbing her back. The girl stared at her quizzically and said, "Uh… I'm good thanks." Christine just kept hugging her and said, "You're in denial right now… but it's okay. I'm not here to judge you." Pulling Christine's arms off of her, the girl stood up and stretched. "Really, look I'm all right! I don't regret it or anything! I'm _fine_!" Turning around, she headed for her room and heard Christine ask quietly, "Are you sure?"

Smiling brightly, the girl turned around and rubbed the back of her head saying, "Yeah, of course!" Laughing she said, "Don't worry so much okay?" Christine nodded slowly, and picked up her bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, turning on the T.V. to watch the news, or cartoons, or something. The girl scratched her head and walked into her room, falling onto her bed. Covering her face with her pillow she contemplated screaming, and/or crying. Each felt a little too dramatic though. Wiping her face she looked around her. Weren't you supposed to feel all giddy or something? Or was it depressed? It really didn't matter, because all she felt was… nothing. She felt like it hadn't happened. Was Christine right? Was she just in denial?

"No…" No, she wasn't. She knew it happened, it just felt like it hadn't. Maybe it was easier that way. Maybe easier to deal with the morning after. Somehow though… it just felt… it just felt all wrong. Everything. Everything felt wrong. Her hair felt wrong, her fingers felt wrong, her mind felt wrong. Maybe she just needed a good shower… scrub everything away. Sighing, she stood up and walked back into the living room and said to Christine, "I'm going to take a shower…" Christine just nodded and continued watching television. Raising an eyebrow the girl walked into the bathroom and smiled. She loved showers… the way they felt, the way they made you feel, the way they smelled…

Turning on the hot water she stripped herself of her clothes and glanced at her reflection in the mirror. Frowning she peered closer at her face and looked at her eyes again. She looked, different. Not wiser, or happy, or sad, or anything. She just couldn't put her finger on it… She looked… guarded. Running a hand down her face she cocked her head to the side and stared for a few more seconds before shaking clear her thoughts and stepping into the shower. Feeling the scalding water droplets hit her skin she hissed, and stepped back, waiting for her skin to adjust. Smiling she stepped forward again, and watched as her skin turned pink, and red. Closing her eyes she grabbed her shampoo and scrubbed her scalp, feeling all of her stress over the past few weeks just melt away. 'If shampoo did that, maybe…' Grabbing her body wash she viciously scrubbed at her skin until she felt clean. But still, something felt hollow. Shrugging she stood under the water-head until the warmth of the water began to disappear.

Shivering slightly she turned off the water and grabbed the towel she had put on the toilet, wrapping it around her body. Drying off her body she stepped out onto the plush bathmat and smiled. Brushing her teeth, and drying her hair she quickly stepped out of the bathroom and ran to her bedroom, quickly closing the door. Throwing off the towel she grabbed a pair of jeans and a pink long sleeved t-shirt. Slipping on a pair of pink earrings and a pink bottle-cap belt she grabbed her make-up case, and put on her powder and mascara. Frowning, she tilted her head to the side and thought that something was missing. Snapping her fingers, she fished around her bag until she grabbed her lip gloss, and covered her lips in the melon flavored gloss. Smiling at her reflection she nodded and slipped on her shoes, before heading out towards the living room, to get Christine and go to work. Glancing around she found a note sitting on the coffee table and picked it up.

'_Hey kid,_

_Just thought I'd let you take however long you needed. No worries, I already got Karol handled! Just make sure you bring your butt to work sometime or another today! But seriously, make sure you're okay, okay?_

_-Christine'_

Muttering under her breath, the girl crumpled up the piece of paper and grabbed her coat, before heading out the door. She shouldn't be too late, and really… how much of a baby would you have to be to take a whole day off for that? Cramps, she could almost understand… she'd never do it, but she could understand… but that? Come on! Suck it up already!

'Big words from a girl who sobbed on the phone because she thought some guy didn't like her!' Blushing she scowled at her own thoughts. "That's different." She muttered. She could practically feel her subconscious laughing at her. Pushing past people she smiled when Karol looked suspiciously at her.

"You don't look too sick to me." Raising one eyebrow she looked at Christine who just shrugged and continued arranging the roses she had in front of her. Shaking her head she turned to Karol and said, "Uh- yeah… I felt sick… but… um… I feel better now?" Karol glanced at her and said, "Yeah… anyways, I'm glad you're here… I need you to-"

She didn't hear much of it though… nodding every now and again to signify she was listening (even though she wasn't). Her mind seemed stuck, as if what it wanted to think about hurt or something. That was ridiculous though. She frowned and shook her head. Yeah… there was nothing to get hurt about right? 'I mean- who _cares_ if he doesn't much like you anymore huh? Not you! No you're too strong for that! Your walls are back baby!' Smiling she muttered, "My walls are back…" Karol stopped talking and said, "What?" Laughing she said, "Nothing, sorry… what were you saying?"

----------

Laughing after work, Christine and the girl were walking down the streets arms connected. Somehow, the thought of her walls being back up made her extremely happy. Christine said something and the girl laughed saying, "Hey! How about we go and get something to eat huh?" Christine laughed and said, "Yeah, how about we got to that café? I didn't really get to enjoy my first time there!" smiling the girl slowly nodded her head.

'What! Why are you nodding your head? Say NO! Go somewhere else! Don't just sit there like an idiot!' Frowning she whispered, "I can handle this!" Christine turned to her and said, "What?" Shaking her head the girl smiled and said, "Nothing. Good, let's go! I'm starving!"

Walking together, the girls chatted about some movie they were planning to go see later that month, and laughed at random things the other said. When the café came into sight, the girl closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before opening the door and walking in. Shivering she turned to Christine and said, "Burr! It was freezing out there! I didn't notice until now! Whew!" Christine just nodded her head and gave her a strange look.

Sitting down the girls ordered their food and began chatting again about matters without any real importance. Hearing the bells ring the girl closed her eyes on reflex, always having bad experiences with that damn bell. Opening her eye she cursed her luck and said to Christine, "Well, well, well… look what the cat dragged in." Frowning Christine said, "Huh?" Tilting her head towards his direction, she took a sip of her coffee and played with her fingers. She _wasn't_ nervous. No- she wasn't nervous. Christine smirked and the girl felt her cheeks flush. Christine eyed her guardedly and smoothly asked, "So-ooo are you going to go talk to him?" Acting nonchalant, the girl shrugged and took a sip of her coffee saying, "I haven't decided yet…" Smirking, Christine said, "Yeah… okay."

Glaring at her she stood up and began making her way over toward him, ignoring Christine's laughter behind her. Gathering up her breath, and letting it go in one great huff she tapped him on the shoulder. Turning around his smile faltered before shining brightly again.

"Hey there…" he said softly. Blushing she tucked her hands into her pockets and rocked back onto her heels saying, "Yeah… uh- about this morning-" Raising one hand he said, "No need explaining, I understand…" Biting her lip she nodded, and smiled unsurely. He scratched his head uncomfortably and coughed as a small brunette walked up to his arm, and kissed him on the cheek. Feeling her face pale she noticed him smile down at the girl on his arm and look away from _her_. Ignoring the thumping of her heart she smiled brightly and said, "Oh! Who's this?" She watched the girl tighten her grip on Ryan's arm and say warily, "Hello… I'm Catherine… or Cat. Who're you?"

Swallowing hard, and glancing into Ryan's apologetic yet pleading eyes she laughed hollowly saying, "Just an old friend of Ryan's. I haven't seen him in a while so I just thought I'd say hello." Seeing this Cat girl loosen up, she noticed Ryan's eyes lighten up and he smiled at her, relieved. She smiled and glanced at him, fury dancing in her eyes. Waving she said, "Well… I'd better go. I left my friend over there, and it appears our food is here anyways. It was nice meeting you Catherine." Turning around she made her way to their table and plopped down, ignoring Christine's worried glance.

"Are you-" Shaking her head she took a huge bite of food and said, "No… no I'm not." Nodding, Christine and the girl ate in silence and paid their tab. The girl was heading towards the door when she heard Ryan say, "I'll be right back."

Hurrying out the door a moment too late she heard the bells ring and cringed as she felt Ryan grab her arm. Feeling all her anger bottle up she smacked him hard across the face and she did what she felt like doing all the time. She screamed at him…

"What the HELL is the matter with you? Haven't you done enough? What you think an explanation will be sufficient? Don't make me laugh! Just leave me alone, and stay **out** of my life!" turning on her heel she heard him shout, "One day you're going to want an explanation. I'll be there when you want it!" Ignoring the cold sinking feeling slide up her ribs, she ran to catch up to Christine. Smiling apologetically she said, "I can't do this anymore…" Christine just smiled and they walked back together in silence.

----------

Laying back on her bed she stared at the ceiling. Glancing over, to the phone on her nightstand she bit her lip and contemplated what she was thinking about doing. 'Do I really want to do that? I mean…'

Before she could finish her thought though, she had already dialed the number. Holding her breath she smiled when a familiar voice on the other line said, "Hello?" Laughing to herself she coughed and said, "Uh- Mama? I'm… I'm coming home…"

----------

_And crash like crystal against the ground._


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

Only one thing in life is important… you just have to decide the one thing you deemed the most essential. Everything else… Well…

----------

Walking away, honestly, was the hardest thing I've ever done. Not because I was in _love_ or anything… or I mean… what I mean is… never have I given up so quickly. To see myself quit, at anything… hurt. It hurt deep, and my wounds never heal quickly. I didn't cry though, no… I didn't cry. It's kind of funny isn't it? All I seemed to be able to do was cry, at the time, and when it came right down to it… I just, felt tired. Life is full of surprises… I guess mine was finding out it was all so trite.

----------

Holding her breath, the girl slowly opened the door at home, and breathed in the familiar air. The flight had seemed so long and all she wanted was to sleep, but she didn't want to miss anything. Smiling as she heard a door open down the hall, she dropped her bags and peeked behind the wall. Her daddy was standing there, just as she remembered him, cigarette loosely hanging from his left hand. The smoke wafted through her lungs, and she breathed in deep, smiling as she walked towards him and threw her arms around his waist.

"Hey Daddy…" She said softly, smiling as he rubbed his hand across her shoulders in greeting. Stepping back she tucked a piece of hair behind her ears and swallowed. Her throat tight she said, "So… did you miss me?"

Laughing he said, "Oh yes! Terribly!" She half glared at his sarcastic remark and said, "Yeah… you missed me." He smiled and said, "You think so, huh?" She grinned back, feeling as though she had done this everyday, well… technically, she HAD at one point in time. He just nodded his head and said, "Ok." She rolled her eyes and said, "Where's Mama?" He just turned around and walked into 'his' room… the only place in the house he was really allowed to smoke.

She followed him and sat down next to him as he watched some western movie… she never really cared for them. He inhaled his cigarette and looked over at her, as she waved the air around her. He tapped his cigarette on the side of the ashtray and said, "Yes?"

She stuck her tongue out and said, "Don't give me that! You heard what I asked!" He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok." She growled in frustration and said, "Where's Mama?" He laughed and said, "Does it matter?" She leaned her head against the wall and sighed, saying, "Yeah… I'm pretty sure she wants to see me. I mean, I was only gone for… how long?" He pushed her shoulder and said, "Not long enough… how bout you get and go somewhere?" She swatted at his hand and said, "I've been gone forever and you're still so mean! I can't believe you! Where's Mama?"

He said, "She's at the store. She'll be home in a few minutes, so get ready to go get the groceries." She scowled at him and said, "Bet you're glad I'm home." He just laughed and rubbed his hands together saying, "Oh yes!" She rolled her eyes and said, "You are _such_ a geek!" He just shrugged his shoulders and turned back to his movie. She heard a horn honk outside and smiled as her daddy said, "Go help your mama… brat."

----------

"I'm going into town… do you want to come with me?"

The girl looked up at her mama and said, "Do you really-" she stuffed a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth, "Want me to?" Her mama just shrugged her shoulders and said, "I mean I guess not… I just figured you'd want to see Brooke…" The girl licked the spoon and said, "I do actually… let me go throw on some decent clothes!"

Walking into her bedroom the girl threw on a pair of jeans and a light yellow sweater that fell gently off her shoulders. Grinning at her mama she said, "Alright! Let's go!"

Walking out to the car she rubbed her head and found herself thinking of New York… she didn't want to admit that she left a few things unfinished. She just needed to call Christine later and then… '_And then everything will be okay_. '

"Sweetie? Are you okay?" Her mama asked, squeezing her hand. She looked at her and said, "Mama… do you think it was- a… mistake leaving?"

Her mama sucked in some air and said, "Well I don't know… I guess not… but then again… I'm not the best person to ask about that… talk to your cousin."

She just nodded her head slowly and leaned her head against the glass of the window, and watched the trees roll by.

----------

_Of course… there was hugs and a few tears at our 'reunion' but I mean… it was rather… boring maybe? Anyways… it wasn't relevant to the situation at hand…_

----------

Lying on Brooke's bed later that night, the two sat in the darkness in a contented silence. The girl closed her eyes and said, "Brooke?" She felt her cousin stir next to her and somehow felt she was facing her, as she said, "Hmm?"

She swallowed the lump that had somehow formed in her throat, and said, "Do _you_ think I made… a um… mistake, leaving there?"

She felt Brooke sit up and she stared in her general direction and looked away when she heard her sigh. "Well… from what you've told me… yeah- kind of."

The girl swallowed hard and felt her stomach fall as she said, "You know I can't go back though right?" She heard Brooke breathe out softly and say, "Yeah… I know."

Nodding the girl put her arms behind her head and said, "Good… because, I really missed home." She heard Brooke laugh softly and say, "Yeah… _home_."

Sitting up the girl wrinkled her nose and asked, "What's that supposed to mean?" Brooke said silently into the darkness, "Nothing I guess… it's just- home feels really good right?"

Frowning, the girl turned her head and laid back down on the bed and said, "Yeah…" Hugging her pillow the girl whispered, "Good night…" Rather Brooke answered or not, she didn't know… she was asleep…

----------

"No Christine… I'm positive that I made the right choice… I promise I'll come visit sometime… tell Karol I'm sorry okay? Yeah… bye." Hanging up the phone the girl looked over to her cousin. "Sorry… had to uh- tie up some unfinished business…" Brooke nodded and took a sip of her drink.

"No problem… although… I thought your unfinished business was with that boy… not Christine." The girl glared at her cousin and said offhandedly, "I have no idea what you're talking about…" Brooke snorted and said, "Yeah… I believe that… oh wait, no I don't!"

Sticking her tongue out the girl grabbed her purse and stood up throwing an insulting gesture over her shoulder ignoring Brooke's laughter as she ran into a hard chest. "Holy hell! What is with me and these situations!"

"Hey! Watch where the hell you're going!" Said a masculine voice. Wrinkling up her nose the girl turned around and without looking at her noses' abuser she let out all of her frustrations from the past couple of months on this seemingly innocent stranger with a bad temper.

"What! You're telling ME to watch out, you need to watch where you're going before I push you in front of a bus you conceited son of a-" Brooke stepped in front of her and covered her mouth saying, "I'm so sorry about that sir… she didn't mean it…" Breaking free of Brooke's grasp she poked the man in the chest, still not looking at him, and said, "Oh hell yes I did! You can just get lost before you meet the back of my hand you cocky little prick!"

Feeling her face heat from her anger she blew a few pieces of hair from her face and finally looked up… into a very handsome- very angry face. She felt her next words sizzle on her tongue as the man stared into her eyes. He wasn't her type, she decided silently, so she could very much glare back at him. He stepped up to her and although he was taller than her, she wasn't intimidated. She stuck her chin out and folded her arms across her chest and said, "What? Are you going to hit me? Pfft…"

He glared harder and said, "I'm seriously considering it…" She rolled her eyes, pushed his shoulder out of her way and said, "Whatever… come on Brooke…" Brooke walked outside, and she was walking by when he grabbed her arm. She looked down at her arm and then back to him and glared when he let go and rubbed the back of his head saying, "Sorry… Um- My name is Sawyer…" She smiled at him and said suddenly, "I don't care…" Then she turned around and walked out.

----------

"Oh my God! Did that just happen or… what happened to you?" Brooke said, as they walked out of the restaurant they had been eating in. The girl just shrugged her shoulders and said, "I'm just tired of stupid boys… stupid conceited cocky boys at that… no matter how 'hot' they are."

Brooke laughed and said, "Oh my gosh! That was great, you want to go do it again?" The girl laughed and said, "No! I just- God that felt good!" Then the two laughed as they walked down the street to their car. Brooke elbowed her and said, "He was pretty hot though wasn't he?" The girl shrugged her shoulders and said, "If you like that kind of thing…" Brooke stared at her and asked, "'If you like that kind of thing'?"

The girl nodded and said, "Yeah… if you like that kind of thing- which I don't- and besides… he's not my type." Brooke laughed and said, "What! Sexy isn't your type?" The girl laughed and said, "Yes, but I mean… that guy had blonde hair… and brown eyes… I like guys with brown hair and green eyes…" Brooke snorted and said, "Yeah… if he asked me out, I wouldn't care if he had blue hair, he was hot!" The girl rolled her eyes and got into the car saying, "Yeah… well I'm sure _Sawyer_ wouldn't mind taking you out."

Brooke stared at her and said, "His name is Sawyer? Damn… you got all the luck… hot boy with a hot name too!" The girl groaned and said, "The last thing I need now is a boy okay? Do you not remember why I left New York?"

Broke rose an eyebrow and said, "You said you were homesick… I mean I knew it was because of that Ryan guy… but now you're admitting it… hmm… maybe Sawyer could be okay for you…" The girl felt her eyes widen as her cousin came around and pulled her out of the car and started dragging her back into the restaurant.

"What are you doing?" The girl hissed through clenched teeth. Brooke just ignored her and dragged her through the front doors and over to a very surprised Sawyer.

"Hello!" Brooke said, smiling and waving merrily, while the girl sulked her back turned towards them. "It's us again!" Brooke said, turning the girl around. Sawyer leaned his head on his fist and smiled cockily at the girl who wrinkled her nose and looked away.

"What a surprise… would ya'll like to sit down?" The girl shook her head frantically 'no' but of course Brooke said, "Of course, _we_ would love to!" The girl snorted and glared at her cousin as she was pushed into a seat across from Sawyer. Crossing her arms across her chest she ignored Sawyer's question of, "What's your name?"

'_God… I'm at home, finally! What I've been waiting for, for so long! And all I can think about… is Ryan. Why can't I get that stupid lying boy out of my mind? I shouldn't even like him, so… why do I?'_

"…name." The girl shook her head, glared at Sawyer and asked snottily, "What?" Sawyer smiled and said, "I said you have a very lovely name…"

The girl blushed and said, "Whatever…"

'He does have a nice smile though…' Feeling her eyes widen she muttered, "Damn…"

----------

_Everything else is without meaning at all…_


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

I know that sometimes I can tend to be a little… well, melodramatic. I can't help it; it's just my nature… But I swear on every teen and fashion magazine I've ever read that I didn't know I'd turn out to be such a hussy too!

----------

'Ok… just think about this rationally…' the girl thought as she put her hand against her cheek, to stop the sudden flame of embarrassment that erupted on her face. 'You never said you liked this kid… you just said he had a nice smile… and so what if he thinks your name is lovely… your name IS lovely… right… so you're blushing because why again?'

Hearing a chuckle across from her the girl looked up and stared at this- this Sawyer and gave him a glare. "What are you looking at?" She demanded from him. He just laid his head against his hand and said, "Don't do that." She looked at him quizzically and asked, "Huh?" 'Oh God how intelligent!' He smiled and said, "You're pinching your nose up at me, and it's not pretty."

The girl just smirked and said, "Well then, I guess it's a good thing I really don't care what you think then isn't it?" Wincing as she felt a sharp kick in her shin she glared at her cousin who just smiled innocently back at her, clearing her throat she said, "Er- what I _meant_ to say was…" Her cousin smiled at her and urged her to continue so she took in a deep breath and said, "We really have to go but it was almost nice to meet you!"

Standing up she smirked at Brooke and began walking to the door when she felt a sharp pull at her arm and found herself back in her seat across from an amused Sawyer and a miffed Brooke who still had her hand on the girls arm. Brooke just smiled and said through clenched teeth, "You aren't going anywhere, now be nice!" Smiling back at her cousin she turned her gaze to Sawyer who smirked at her and actually had the gall to wink! She wrinkled her nose up at him and looked down at the table when she began tracing the patterns of the tablecloth.

'Stupid boys who think they can get away with smirking at me! Oh ho, I'm going to get him back… so I guess I actually have to play nice and then hit him when he least expects it.'

Nodding her head she smiled back at Sawyer and leaned forward a little, pulling out all the tricks she had seen used in all of those chick-flicks she had seen. Fluttering her eyelashes she smiled and looked expectantly up at him. He raised his eyebrow looked around and said, "Do you have something in your eye?"

Scowling she leaned back and glanced over at Brooke who was trying to stifle her giggles as she said, "No!"

He smiled and said, "Were you trying to beguile me? Aww how sweet!" She leaned forward punched his arm and said, "No I was not and FYI if I was trying to 'beguile' you I would have already, but as it is I'm not interested in you **_or _**your smile in any way whatsoever so I hope I never see you again and have a nice day!"

Standing up she scowled at Brooke and said, "If you plan on staying I suppose you might want to ask Mr. Supercilious if he can give you a ride home because I'm out of here!" She walked out of the door and halfway to her car when she felt someone grab her arm, a very masculine someone. Turning around she reached her hand up to smack him but was surprised when he grabbed her hand. Wrenching it out of his iron-clad grasp she turned around and said over her shoulder, "Guess what… I meant what I said, so if you figured that I secretly wanted you to come after me and make my life into a movie then you have some serious issues that you need to get checked out about." She paused for a second when she heard him laugh and then she kept going as she threw another comment over her shoulder.

"Look, I'm almost to my car so if you have a mission other than bruising my wrist then I suggest you spit it out now because I'm not stopping to listen to you… I sure hope you can talk fast." She was opening her car door when he grabbed her wrist lightly and began running his fingers over the reddened area softly. She looked up at him in offense and snatched her wrist away glowering at him.

"You've got some nerve! What, did you think you could act gentlemanly and save the fair maiden because her wrist is bruised? I don't think so, you know what? Just leave me alone I don't need this right now!"

She got to her door and opened it when it was slammed and an angry face popped up and said, "Are you always this charming, or am I just lucky?"

She felt her eyes widen as his face became worried, like he was afraid he had scared her or hurt her or something. She wasn't paying attention to him anymore though…

"_Are you always this charming, or am I just lucky?" He said, his eyebrow rose questioningly. She couldn't help but smile at that._

"_That was so lame you know that right?" She said laughing, as he smiled, for the first time, not so pompously._

"_Ah, so you would think, but it really isn't…" He said, his voice radiating self-confidence._

"_Oh, is that so?" She asked, now thoroughly amused._

Swallowing hard she back up against her car and closed her eyes, feeling her stomach contort into knots. She felt two hands on her shoulders and a concerned voice say, "Are you okay? I didn't mean to scare you look I'm-" She gently swatted his hands off and opened her eyes glaring at him half-heartedly as she said, "Look… just leave me alone okay?" Opening her door she got in and sighed as his hand stopped the process of shutting said door. Looking up at him she nearly sobbed as he said, "Hey, look… I was wondering… if I don't know, maybe you wanted to go out with me sometime?" She glanced at him and although his face was calm, she could tell it in his eyes that he was expectant. She felt her throat form the words no and felt them slipping off her tongue but somehow, 'No' sounded a whole hell of a lot like "Sure, why not…"

He smiled and kneeled down to look at her and said, "Great! We can do whatever you want, when do you want to go?" She just smiled at him, feeling her heart thump desolately as she said, "Whenever is fine with me…"

He nodded and said as he scratched his head and looked away, "Listen… you don't have to go just to make me feel good you know… what I mean is- you don't have to go if you don't want to." The girl glanced up at him and smiled and said, "Thanks for that, but just to let you know… I don't do anything I don't want to do, uh- unless I have to and that doesn't count."

He grinned and stood up saying, "Great! I guess I'll call you later then and we'll figure something out!" He began walking away and then girl smiled and then automatically frowned and yelled out, "Hey! How do you know my number?" He turned around laughed and said, "Your cousin gave it to me!" She just shook her head and sat in the car until Brooke slid her little sly self in the passenger's seat and she said, "So… how'd it go?"

The girl wrinkled her nose and said, "I have a date." Brooke smiled and said, "Oh come on! He's hot, you can't tell me you're not excited, at least a little excited?"

The girl smiled and said, "Well- you got one thing right- he is pretty hot!"

Brooke laughed as they pulled away and drove home. As soon as they pulled into Brooke's driveway the girls phone rang, smiling, figuring it was Sawyer she said, "Hello?"

"Hey… it's Christine!" The girl laughed and said, "Hey! What's going on, we just talked earlier! Did something happen?"

Christine laughed and said, "No! Nothing like that, it's just… you'll never guess who was just here!" The girl wrinkled her nose and said sarcastically, "Let me guess… Dave Matthews asking to use the bathroom?" She heard Christine sigh exasperatedly and say, "No… Ryan! He was looking for you… And by the way, when he found out that you had moved back home and didn't tell him or anything, he was kind of pissed. I gave him your number so you should maybe expect an angry phone-call later. I'm sorry, but it was the only way he would leave!" The girl pinched her nose and said, "No, it's okay! I just don't want to talk to him… everything always goes so wrong with that boy involved! Besides… I have a date." She heard Christine gasp and say, "With who? Tell me!"

The girl told Christine about Sawyer and their meeting and about how she had meant to say 'No' but 'Yes' had come out instead and then she finished with a, "…he's just so cocky, but so cute!"

She heard Christine whistle and say, "Dang… hot name, what's he look like?" The girl laughed and said, "Um… he has blonde hair, and hazel eyes… he's not pale but he's not as tan as Ryan was… he's got more of a light tan thing going for him. I don't really know how to describe him because I spent most of the time trying to ignore him."

Christine sighed and said, "Well… all I know is that he sounds hot, lucky!" The girl smiled and said, "Well, I have to go, but thanks for the heads up Christine! Bye!"

She hung up and looked at Brooke who raised an eyebrow expectantly, she opened her mouth to explain but her phone rang again, glaring at it she flipped it open and said, "Hello?"

"Hey… it's Ryan." The girl felt her air leave her as the phone dropped out of her hands.

'**What the hell?**'

----------

_Perhaps hussy is too strong of a word…_


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

_Okay… the more I think about these events, the more I'm beginning to wonder if somewhere down the line, I actually made some stuff up to -you know- 'spice' things up._

----------

Staring at the phone that still sat in her lap the girl felt the blood freeze in her veins. Was she supposed to pick it up? She could always act like she was going through a tunnel and fake some static. She couldn't pull that off though, could she? She bit her lip and gave the phone one serious glance before she shook her head and decided she would go about this in the most mature way possible.

"Sorry… I don't know any Ryan's must be a wrong number, bye!"

Smiling maliciously she snapped the phone shut and stared at it in triumph. One glance at her cousin's disapproving stare set her back in reality though.

"Was that Ryan, as in THE Ryan, as in the Ryan you've been absolutely pining over for the past week?"

The girl blushed, realizing the potentially embarrassing situation at hand. Nodding slowly she said, "Yeah, well- but… fine. I'll call him back- tomorrow." Her cousins narrowing eyes caused her to sigh as she flipped her phone back open and dialed his number.

**Ring**

'Okay… don't pick up oh God don't pick up…'

**Ring**

'Please let him have left… or have what's-her-face there.'

"Hello?"

'Damn.'

She scrunched up her nose and said, "Hey there… Ryan. Heh, sorry about uh- two seconds ago, temporarily lost my mind."

She could feel him smirking on the other end and could imagine him leaning against… something as he thought of something clever, and probably embarrassing, to say.

"Now, why does that not surprise me?" He said, warmth and affability oozing from his voice.

'Too friendly…' "Yeah, ha! You know me-"

"Apparently I don't, because you would think if I knew you, I would know you ran away."

The girl felt her face flush in anger as she tightened her jaw and said coldly, "You're right, you don't know me. Besides… why would you care that I'm gone? You have Catherine." This was the point Brooke coughed uncomfortably and left the car, leaving the two to their err- discussion.

"I thought we were friends…"

The girl laughed and said, "Friends? Wasn't it you who told me you couldn't just be my friend? Or was that before you went and got yourself a little _slut_ to hang on to?"

She heard him take in a sharp breath and say, "Don't talk about her like that. Besides, if I'm not mistaken, it wasn't Cat who-"

Closing her eyes, the girl said quickly, "Don't you dare! Is this what you wanted to call me for, to break me? So sorry for you but… I don't have 'fragile handle with care' written on my forehead. So if that was all you intended to do, I guess my first instinct was right, so…"

"Wait."

"For what reason? Huh? So you can try to humiliate me? I don't think so!" She said, as the cold knot and its little conniving ways began twisting itself in her stomach.

"No! Just hold on so I can- so I can apologize okay?"

Putting a hand to her forehead, the girl felt her heartbeat quicken as she closed her eyes and remembered how intense his eyes were the last time she saw him, and how heartbreaking they were when they looked at her.

"You have ten seconds… one-"

"Always the charmer, aren't you? Okay… I'll make it as quick as possible, for you."

Swallowing heavily the girl felt herself shake as he said, "I really wanted things to work out between us, but I can't just break up with Catherine, even after… that night. How would that make her feel?"

Snapping open her eyes she said, "About that night or about the breakup? How considerate of you to be so caring of her feelings. I guess mine are of no consequence to you, otherwise you would have never let me- you know what, thank you for your 'apology' but I don't need it, as I've tried to make perfectly clear, I'm a big girl and don't need your comforting words or for you to kiss away my little heart scrapes."

He laughed and said, "Strong words for a girl who ran away…"

She smiled maliciously and said, "Oh yes… I ran away, right into someone deserving of my time."

There was a heavy silence that fell over the line before she heard him say, in an almost jealous tone, "You- you met someone?"

She laughed and said, "Only today, in fact, he's quite taken with me."

She heard him laugh and say, "Well wish him the best of luck, he'll need it when dealing with you."

'That hurt.' At the slight pang in her heart she felt something seem to take over her mouth as she said, "He doesn't need luck because I'm going to be the best damn thing that ever happened to him, you know why? Because I'm actually going to give him a _chance_. So congratulations, apology accepted, now wish Sawyer all the **luck** in the world!"

The dead silence on the other caused the girl to think that maybe he had hung up, until, "Wow… you're one manipulative bitch." And then nothing…

The girl blew out the breath she never knew she had been holding and closed her phone. 'Well… that went better than I expected.'

Opening her door she stepped out and calmly walked up to the steps and sat there. Brooke opened the door and sat down next to her. For some indefinable amount of time they both just sat there before the girl said, "You know… in New York, you can sit on steps for hours and you'd be almost invisible to the people passing by."

Brooke just tilted her head and then they let the silence envelop them again. After some time the girl stood up and said, "You know, I think I'm going to take a drive… don't wait up."

She dusted off her pants, got into her car, and pulled out of the driveway. About halfway down the road she felt the tears well up in her eyes and angrily shook them away. Her phone rang she glanced at the front, and didn't recognize the number so she just let it ring.

When she turned on the radio, to you know forget her 'boy trauma' she heard Chris Rice's "When Did You Fall In Love With Me" come on, and it caused her throat to clench at how much it reminded her of… that boy and her.

_You're all smiles and silly conversation  
As if this sunny day came just for you_

'He always did act like that…'

_You twist your hair, you smile and you turn your eyes away  
C'mon, tell me what's right with you  
Now it dawns on me probably everybody's talkin'  
And there's something here I'm supposed to realize_

'That's more me…'

_'Cause your secret's out, and the universe laughs at its joke on me  
I just caught it in your eyes, it's a beautiful surprise _

'Yeah… damn surprise I caught too late…'  
_  
When did you fall in love with me?  
Was it out of the blue  
'Cause I swear I never knew it_

'Maybe I should have…'

_When did you let your heart run free?  
Have you been waiting long?  
When did you fall in love with me?  
When did you fall in love?_

'When did he? Or- did he?'

_Make your way over here, sit down by this fool, and let's rewind  
C'mon, let's go back and replay all our scenes  
You can point out the hints, the clues, the twists and the smiles this time  
All the ones that slipped by me_

'Yeah… the last thing that boy wants to do right now is sit by me.'

_I bet my face is red, and you can hear my heart poundin'  
Well I guess it don't matter now that I realize_

'My face is always red… especially around him.'

_'Cause baby I missed it then, but I can surely see you now  
Right there before my eyes  
You're my beautiful surprise_

'Pfft… yeah right I can see it now… "Surprise! You hate me!" ha!'

_Was it at the coffee shop  
Or that morning at the bus stop  
When you almost slipped, and I caught your hand  
Or the time we built the snowman_

'We never got to build a snowman…'

_The day at the beach, sandy and warm  
Or the night with the scary thunderstorm  
I never saw the signs_

'What signs? He left no signs!'

_Now we've got to make up for lost time  
And I can tell now by the way that you're looking at me  
I'd better finish this song so my lips will be free_

'I wonder how he would look at me right now?'  
_  
Have you been waiting long, when did you fall in love  
I kept you waiting so long, when did you fall  
Have you been waiting long  
When did you fall in love with me  
When did you fall in love?_

'He should be singing "Why did you fall in love with me" but hey, it's not my song.'

As the song ended the girl realized how tightly she was gripping the steering wheel, and slowly eased her grip and cleared her throat, pulling into a nearby coffee shop. Grabbing her cell phone she walked inside and ordered. Walking over to a small table with her coffee she sighed as her voice mail alert sounded in the small 'café'. Checking her voicemail she ran a hand through her hair and paused as she heard a masculine voice speak out.

_"Hey there… it's Sawyer. Um- I don't know if you just didn't want to talk to me or if you just couldn't get to the phone but I just wanted to tell you that I think you're amazing, and can't wait to go out… if you still want to of course. I was thinking maybe we could get together later tonight or maybe tomorrow and catch dinner and a movie. You seem like a really interesting girl and I want to get to know you. I'll catch you later though… Bye."_

The girl covered her mouth as she felt the sobs wrack her body. Why did this have to happen to her, why now? Why couldn't Sawyer have been just some meaningless flirt who had no intention of ever contacting her again? Then maybe what she told Ryan could've been a lie, and she wouldn't feel so bad for potentially using a good guy.

She felt the tears plop onto her jeans and she tried desperately to wipe them away but they just kept coming. One for Ryan, and the rest for some other reason she didn't want to think about… ever again. Fingering the small chain on her neck she smiled slightly as she remembered one of her fonder memories of Ryan. During one of the times she was ignoring him, after the second time she dismissed him at the café, she ran into him at the grocery store and he tossed her one of those gumball machine prizes with a little red plastic heart inside saying, _"Here… for that damn chain you always wear."_ It had been so awkward after that though, that they left without speaking to each other.

Noticing that she was receiving more than a few strange glances, she grabbed her cup and left the shop. Sitting in her car, she fixed up her eyes and laughed at how emotional she had become.

'Well… your walls were strong, they got broken, they became strong again, and now guess what old girl… they're busted all over again.'

Taking in a deep breath, the girl put on her seatbelt and started the car, pulling out slowly as she decided on her next destination. It was too early to go back to Brooke's and she still needed some time to herself, to collect her thoughts… and okay yes, to wait for her cheeks to not look so damn puffy.

----------

_I HAD to have made something up, because this is way too much like a soap opera. Humph maybe those bad actors are on to something…_


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter**** Fourteen**

_ Surprise! Things don't always go your way- in fact MOST times they don't go your way. Get over it now..._

--

The girl sighed and fell into the soft grass as the stars began dusting the sky. Shivering she pulled her coat closer to her small frame, tucking her arms behind her head to better look at the sky. So many stars... it was unbelievable.

'My life is what's unbelievable...'

How could she manage to screw up so royally in a matter of two months, give or take a week or two? She moved to New York to further her life, you know- with school. Then this boy came waltzing in and ruined everything. All of her plans, her dreams, her hopes, all of it... everything she had built New York up to be, it all disappeared. Now the only thing she could remember was green eyes and a confident smile that was so heartbreaking at times, it choked her.

'I'm holding on to memories...' she smiled and shook her head. How pathetic. Didn't she leave New York to _stop_ thinking about him? Or was it to get over him, or to just leave him in the past? Yet all she had done was think of him, or compare other boys to him, or do anything but get over him.

That new boy who called her, yeah that was over- officially over. She couldn't, with good conscience, give it a go with him when she couldn't even remember his name right now. If only those damn eyes were gone... maybe she could think clearly.

But as it was, they were hauntingly beautiful and so gleeful in their constant annoyance that they seemed positively giddy right now.

'He probably would be _so_ joyful knowing that I'm miserable without him... and his eyes.'

How long had she been gone? She couldn't tell you... time was just an uncontrollable yet ignorable factor now. It crept in and out so seamlessly that she could have been there for days and she would've said it had been minutes.

'Is that what time is relative means?'

She sighed. How could she possibly be thinking of Einstein at a time like this?

'A time like _what_, exactly?'

The fact that she was holding conversation with herself, albeit inside her own mind thank God, was slightly disturbing and she decided that it was definitely time to do something. Anything other than what she was doing now.

Biting her lip she looked at her phone. Was she truly brave enough to actually call? Or would she break down?

Shaking her head she sighed and looked around. She had driven to a small park nearby and thankfully it had been deserted. It was so strange to be back home, and yet it wasn't. It didn't feel the same anymore though, there was something missing...

--

**RING**

'I can't believe I'm doing this...'

**RING**

'Maybe he won't answer. Yeah-'

"Hello?" Came an unfamiliar female voice. Startled the girl jumped and swallowed. "Hello?" The voice said again. The girl sucked in some air and said, "Um- is Ryan there?"

Tense moments passed before the girl asked, rather suspiciously, "May I ask who's calling?"

The girl grimaced, the voice was no longer unfamiliar, it was Catherine. "Is this Catherine?"

She heard the hostility leave her voice, "Yes? Do I know you?"

The girl tried as best as she could to laugh warmly (she hoped it worked) and said, "Not exactly. We met at the café a little while ago? I'm an old friend of his and I just wanted to catch up."

She could practically feel the relief in her voice. "Oh, of course! Let me go get him. Ryan!"

She heard a faint voice say, "Yeah?" in the background, probably in his bedroom... 'No! Don't even go there.'

"Your friend is on the phone! Come get it goof!"

The girl wrinkled her nose at that and made a very impolite face to the phone. She heard Ryan say, "My friend?" much closer than before. She felt her stomach- in her shoes. Oh god, don't hyperventilate.

Bring your wall together girl!

"Hello?" He asked, clearly confused. The girl gathered every ounce of strength and bravery she had left in her battered body and said, "Hey... it's me."

She heard Ryan's breath hitch and say quietly to Catherine, "I'm going to go take this outside okay?"

A few moments passed before he said, rather coldly, "What do you want?" The girl bit her lip and forced out, "I'm sorry- for earlier. I lied, sort of. I did meet someone, but I'm not going out with him."

She held her breath and then- "So? Why do you think I care? I have a girlfriend remember?"

She swallowed thickly and said, "Yeah, that's true but-"

"There are no buts," Ryan said in a hostile tone, "I don't care. I'm with Cat and you're nothing but a mistake I wish had never happened."

'Oh God.' She couldn't even mentally hold back the tears as she fell over the brims of her eyes. How could he be so cruel? Had she even done anything _that_ wrong? If he didn't care so much then why was he trying to hurt her so badly?

He was the one who let her- oh God! She couldn't even-

"You heartless bastard." She whispered. She cursed herself for her weakness, so obvious in her shaking voice at that moment. "You _knew_ you were with her then- and you still- how could you?" She sobbed and covered her mouth, muffling the pitiful sounds. She heard Ryan take a sharp breath, as if he realized his folly, and say, "Look- I'm sorry. We just keep going in circles huh? You hurt me; I hurt you, eye for an eye kind of deal. I never meant to-"

She shook her head as if he could see that, "No- no you did. Maybe not consciously but you did. I can't believe I gave you everything... I can't believe I-"

She sobbed harder and rested her head against her knees. Well, when your walls fall they crumble right? He had always wanted her to be open, well now he got her. All of her.

Ryan's voice was near frantic, "Do you regret it?"

She nodded her head, knowing he couldn't see it, knowing it wasn't true anyways, and continued sobbing.

He sighed and said, "Look, I don't regret it. I'm sorry I said that earlier. I don't regret anything that was between us- but that's what it _was_. It's the past now- and I have someone else..." His voice dropped to a near desperate whisper, "She's not you, but I can't ever have you, now can I? You always run- from me, from us."

She heard him swallow and say, "Why do you keep doing this to me?"

She said in between sobs, "Doing what?" She could imagine his hair between one of his hands as his other supported his weight against a wall somewhere.

He sighed and said, "You're making it so hard to live without you... to forget you."

She laughed, which sounded odd when mixed with the bawling still going on. "I'm sorry."

She could _hear_ his smile. "No you're not."

"You're right, I'm not."

There was a few minutes of silence before she said, "Ryan-"

His breathing hitched at the sound of her calling his name and barely got out, "Yes?"

She bit her lip and said, "I- I miss you."

He sighed and said, "I know. I miss you too. More than I should. I can't stand you not being here, being able to see you- to hold you."

The girl wiped her tears, even though they still fell (although she'd quit sobbing by now at least), and smiled.

"I couldn't do that if you were here anyways... I'm with Catherine." His voice sounded desperate, as if he wanted to convince himself of that.

"Are you- happy with her?"

"She makes me feel content."

The girl nodded and said, "Do you-" she swallowed thickly, "love her?" she finally managed to croak out. Her heart was thumping hard against her ribcage, forcing her head to spin.

"Yes." Ryan said finally. "But not like I-" he paused, as if he were about to give away something big. The girl said, "Not like you what?" She heard him breathing raggedly and said frantically, "Not like you WHAT?"

He swallowed and said, "Not like should."

She knew deep down that wasn't what he was going to say. She let it slide though, even though she probably shouldn't have. In this situation she had no idea what to say. She knew what she wanted to say, but she couldn't, her tongue felt too thick, her throat too dry.

'Damnit say something! Anything!' Her inner voice begged. She knew this moment was important. If she said the right thing she could-

"Ryan?" A voice on the other end was heard. _Catherine_... Damn her. She felt slightly bad for that, but then again- she didn't either.

"Yeah?" she heard Ryan say. A few moments of conversation too soft for her to hear and then- "I- uh- I have to go."

She began breathing heavily, no! "Okay..." Why the hell did she say that? Stop him! Say something, anything!

"I can't- I can't do this anymore. I need to move on, we both do."

She felt like she was going to be physically sick, "I understand." STOP TALKING! Why couldn't she say what she really thought, how she really felt?

"Ryan-" She called one last time. Maybe now she could actually tell him how she felt, before it was too late.

"Yes?" He seemed, anxious yet expectantly excited at the same time. She swallowed again and said, "I- hope your life is everything you want." Why couldn't she just say what she had been trying to say the **whole** time, I LOVE YOU! How hard is that? Three little words, force them out!

She heard him sigh and say, "You too, and just so we're clear- I love you. Always will, even if you can't say it back."

Then nothing. He hung up. She shut he phone and felt her head spin again. Oh God! Turning to her side she threw up, choking, feeling everything leave her. Damnit.

--

_Because it was probably your fault to begin with._


End file.
